Family

What is the saying, "feeling like the red-headed step child"? Or, "the black sheep of the family". Or, "like a leper". Or, "shes just like her father". Or, "shes never going to amount to anything". Or, "do we have to invite her"? wah wah! Or, "shes just lazy, is just like her father, and she'll never change". This is what family is to me. This is what they think of me. And "they" will never change!
I am the daughter of a mother who couldnt/wouldnt love, and who died in 1963. I am also the daughter of a father who is mentally ill with the worst case of compulsive disorder (hoarding) Ive ever known, along with severe paranoia. He doesnt know how to love, he doesnt know what love is, and he never has. To my family, I am them, and they are me. Ive never been an individual who deserved attention or love just for my own sake. I have never been seen as a separate entity deserving of a chance to make my own way. I have never been welcomed to any family gathering because they love me. It was because it was the right thing to do and Christian. And then after awhile it was the thing no one wanted to do.
"Poor little Jane" still rings in my head. No wonder I wanted to change my name. I wanted a new identity, a fresh start. I wanted to reinvent myself from the stinky mess that was once me. And now I wish I could go back to something that really was never there in the first place. The only reason I knew it existed in my world is because everybody else had what I wanted. I observed it in other families, I saw it in my own family, but it was NEVER for me. I guess that makes me selfish, hah? Self asorbed, childish, needy, a winer. According to them, I am. I know however I am not any of those things and am tired to death of being thought of in that way. If you (family) cant think of me and see me for what I truly am, then dont think of me at all. Its what you have not been doing anyway, so it should be no problem.