Be Honest With Myself

Im trying a new mental gig. At all times I strive to be honest with myself. No more telling myself I should or shouldnt be feeling this or that. It is, what it is. I am me, totally unique and different from anyone else. Ive been raised to believe in God. I do believe there is a God. I was taught that God loves me and is always with me. Here comes the honest part, I dont believe that. Whether it is or isnt true, that has not been my experience, yet. Im open to changing my mind or being proved wrong. I really want to be wrong. But I havent seen God or felt him in my life. You know what? Coming to terms with that has made me feel better. The reason I dont feel God around me isnt because I was naughty or am working off bad karma. Its because either Im too deaf, dumb, and blind to God, or that wonderful "thing" hasnt happened for me yet, whatever that "thing" is. Its not there in me. I dont trust, Im not hopeful, and I dont love everything. To me, not everything is of God.
I can tell you however, without hesitation or self deception, what I do love, what I unequivacally enjoy, and what never ceases to please me. It can be grand things like the wind, the ocean, nature. Or it can be stupid little stuff, that in the scheme of things dont even add up to a hill of beans, like my jeans are fitting and feeling so comfortable today, a nice large sized Rockstar and the buzz that it generates (I hope you know Im talking about the drink, and not a man animal), or just simply gazing at the back of my puppies head as she surveys her world. To me those things are priceless and gives me joy beyond measure. If thats God, then I have missed the gist of the lesson entirely. To me, that is heaven and if heaven can be had on earth, that is what Im looking for. Im looking at what is truthfully and rightfully mine, accepting it, claiming it, loving it, and shouting it from the highest mountain top.

End Of Poverty

I was reading an article about how to end poverty. Midway through it, I had to angrily and sadly throw it down. It stated that God loves me and all I have to do is trust this. I believe in God. I am not an athiest, but I got more uncomfortable as I continued to plough through the article. I wondered what was upsetting me so, and it hit me, I dont believe God loves me. I just couldnt swallow that idea. I dont feel it, I dont see it, I dont believe it. To me proof is in the pudding. Ive never been given pudding. To say to me that just being alive is proof God loves me, doesnt hold water. I havent been happy about being alive most of my life. So thats shot down. I suffer everyday dealing with depression and bi poler. You will say to me that Im exagerating. I am not. It is inpainful to be in this body, literally. I often think that if people knew how much pain I was in, they wouldnt understand how I can deal with it days upon days and not do myself in. I have to, because thats what I believe Im here for. To endure, for whatever crazy twisted reason God, or my high self has. Yes, this is what I believe. Also, I believe it is wrong to kill yourself.
How can I change this? Ive tried everything. My core belief is that my Father in heaven doesnt care enough about me to give me happiness. Everything that is given, is taken away, so I dont trust anything or anybody. I allowed myself to think that finally I got my reward, my house, after wanting a home all my life. I began trusting it that yes, this was really true. Then everything that could go wrong, did go wrong. No amount of praying did any good. Now Im back in the cesspool where I began. Talent has done me no good. Neither has intelligence done me any good. I just understand my pain more deeply and completely. Thats what any gifts I might have, has got me. It leaves me feeling dead and a fool for wanting anything.
If believing God loves me is the end of poverty, then I have a problem.

Next Question

I will refer to my "How To Think Like Leonardo...." book, when Im at a loss for what to blog about. The question: What is one thing I could stop doing, or start doing, or do differently, starting today that would most improve the quality of my life?
Without question it is to lose weight. Not purely for vanity reasons (believe me, I am vane enough!), but for a whole myriad of other reasons. Health: cholesterol would go down, chances of heart attack reduced, and in every other way would it improve my health. Some days I feel horrible. Some days its even hard to breathe. And also the worry of what could go wrong due to weight would be gone.
Self esteem: Heres the vane thing again. I certainly would feel more like getting dressed up, putting on the spackle and war paint, and get out there in the world to do what needs to be done. Do what I want to do. I was thin all my life. I never had to worry about weight, could eat whatever I wanted and how much I wanted. At about 42, that gradually flew out the window. I started taking meds for bi poler then and some people will say thats why, I dont know. I cant stop the meds, so there has to be another solution.
I would feel better: not quite about health. I would feel lighter, brighter, have more energy, and I believe less depression. I might be able to truly love myself, probably for the first time in my life.
Clothes and dressing would no longer be an issue. I could shop anywhere again, throw anything on and look good, feel comfortable. I could be more in fashion, which I always was.
If I could stay on a diet, I would lose weight, plain and simple. Ive dieted and was indeed losing weight. My depression always got the better of me and I just couldnt stay on the plan. At least I knoe that its not impossible for me to lose weight. Thats a mountain climbed already. Many people dont believe this or there is a medical reason why weight cant be shed. Not a problem for me.
So, without a doubt, losing weight would be the single most thing that would improve my life the most. Ok, so where did I put that banana and beer diet book. lol