Saint Francis of Assisi

I know I wanted this blog to be about the trials and tribulations in the daily life of an artist dealing with bi polar disorder and a rotten upbringing. Im finding it hard most days to stay within the desired guidelines. Just as I strive to grow and learn everyday, so does my blog evolve, and in that respect I am accomplishing what I set out to do. Theres not much talk about being an artist or discussion on BPD. There is, however, flexibility here in expressing the unfoldment of me, wherever that goes. Wayne Dyer has been a Godsend to me. Reading his book has really reached a place inside that I thought I would never reach. Anger is leaving, being replaced with love. I am learning to replace all unproductive emotions and thoughts with love. I ask myself constantly, "What do I love"? Negative thoughts find it impossible to dwell in a mind contemplating on what it loves. Below is one of the most profound bit of writing of all time, and I never truly conceived of what it really meant, untill now.

Lord make me an instrument of thy peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is doubt, faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
Where there is sadness, joy.

O divine master, grant that I may not so much seek
To be consoled as to console,
To be understood as to understand,
To be loved as to love;
For it is in giving that we receive;
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
It is in dying to self that we are born to eternal life.

Saint Francis of Assisi

Be Honest With Myself

Im trying a new mental gig. At all times I strive to be honest with myself. No more telling myself I should or shouldnt be feeling this or that. It is, what it is. I am me, totally unique and different from anyone else. Ive been raised to believe in God. I do believe there is a God. I was taught that God loves me and is always with me. Here comes the honest part, I dont believe that. Whether it is or isnt true, that has not been my experience, yet. Im open to changing my mind or being proved wrong. I really want to be wrong. But I havent seen God or felt him in my life. You know what? Coming to terms with that has made me feel better. The reason I dont feel God around me isnt because I was naughty or am working off bad karma. Its because either Im too deaf, dumb, and blind to God, or that wonderful "thing" hasnt happened for me yet, whatever that "thing" is. Its not there in me. I dont trust, Im not hopeful, and I dont love everything. To me, not everything is of God.
I can tell you however, without hesitation or self deception, what I do love, what I unequivacally enjoy, and what never ceases to please me. It can be grand things like the wind, the ocean, nature. Or it can be stupid little stuff, that in the scheme of things dont even add up to a hill of beans, like my jeans are fitting and feeling so comfortable today, a nice large sized Rockstar and the buzz that it generates (I hope you know Im talking about the drink, and not a man animal), or just simply gazing at the back of my puppies head as she surveys her world. To me those things are priceless and gives me joy beyond measure. If thats God, then I have missed the gist of the lesson entirely. To me, that is heaven and if heaven can be had on earth, that is what Im looking for. Im looking at what is truthfully and rightfully mine, accepting it, claiming it, loving it, and shouting it from the highest mountain top.

End Of Poverty

I was reading an article about how to end poverty. Midway through it, I had to angrily and sadly throw it down. It stated that God loves me and all I have to do is trust this. I believe in God. I am not an athiest, but I got more uncomfortable as I continued to plough through the article. I wondered what was upsetting me so, and it hit me, I dont believe God loves me. I just couldnt swallow that idea. I dont feel it, I dont see it, I dont believe it. To me proof is in the pudding. Ive never been given pudding. To say to me that just being alive is proof God loves me, doesnt hold water. I havent been happy about being alive most of my life. So thats shot down. I suffer everyday dealing with depression and bi poler. You will say to me that Im exagerating. I am not. It is inpainful to be in this body, literally. I often think that if people knew how much pain I was in, they wouldnt understand how I can deal with it days upon days and not do myself in. I have to, because thats what I believe Im here for. To endure, for whatever crazy twisted reason God, or my high self has. Yes, this is what I believe. Also, I believe it is wrong to kill yourself.
How can I change this? Ive tried everything. My core belief is that my Father in heaven doesnt care enough about me to give me happiness. Everything that is given, is taken away, so I dont trust anything or anybody. I allowed myself to think that finally I got my reward, my house, after wanting a home all my life. I began trusting it that yes, this was really true. Then everything that could go wrong, did go wrong. No amount of praying did any good. Now Im back in the cesspool where I began. Talent has done me no good. Neither has intelligence done me any good. I just understand my pain more deeply and completely. Thats what any gifts I might have, has got me. It leaves me feeling dead and a fool for wanting anything.
If believing God loves me is the end of poverty, then I have a problem.

Grandma

Grandma was IT for me. She was the only one who loved me. She was the only one who gave a damn and tried her best to comfort me. I remember when I was about 4-6, she bought me a bunch of presents consisting of, a baby doll, a doll basinet, and acessories. This made the most profound impact on me. Someone cared to try to make me feel better. She got me things that no one else ever had, because she loved me. To me that doll and basinet became an achetypal image in my mind of comfort, love, and safety. Of HOME. Im thinking of it now and really missing my Grandma. Yes Ive been drinking, but I really do miss her. She has been my only idea of what safety is. I MISS HER SO MUCH!!!

Da Vinci question: How am I perceived by my closest friend, my worst enemy, my boss, my children, my co-workers, etc. This might have to be a multi parted answer. We'll see. My closest friend, of which I only have one, thinks Im great. He loves me warts and all. Theres lots of warts, mostley where the public eye cant see them. This is because Im a good actress and very good at compartmentalising. Therapists will tell you this compartment thingey, isnt a good thing. It develops in childhood in defense of stress and abuse, as a survival tactic. If abuse is so severe, multiple personalities develop. Shades of Cybil? If Im anything at all, Im damn interesting. I always thought my life would be fodder for a good book or movie. Maybe not a blockbuster, but a revealing look into how the psyche deals with trauma.
Anyway, my long windedness digresses. He likes me because I guess he gets to have affairs with various women. I change from day to day, hour to hour. It would drive some people crazy. He's a Scorpio. He can handle it, or should I say, tolerate it. No one else has given me that most precious gift to me, of freedom. Everyone had a model of what they thought I should be. It always was a choice of conform, or get out. Eventually I always chose the latter. I was allowed to develop at 35 years of age, when I met Marc. I grew up and matured because I got to do it my way. It took awhile to trust, but it developed. Advice to those who say no one trusts them: be trust worthy! It has to be earned.
As far as the warts go, I can be evil, a bitch, a crybaby, uncaring, erupt like Mount St Helens, and do a very good impression of a witch (and I dont mean that in a good way). I dont like these various incarnations and is very often the source of self loathing. Because I KNOW better. I can defend myself quite well, and have sent big burly men scuttling away with their tail....well, you know. I think its the crazy factor. No one knows where to go with crazy. Its shocking, thus the scuttling. I cant be figured out. I broke Gods mold when I was made, because I found it too damn confining, and I got an anxiety attack. lol
So if anyone could love an individual like this. youre a better man than I am. Oh sure, I have lots of good things going for me, but theyre easy to love.
To be continued.....

How To Serve Mankind

First of all, lol! Next da Vinci question: How can I best be of service to others? I like this one. I will say that we are all here on earth to serve others. Doesnt matter who you are or what you do. Some of us get paid better than others for being servants, but that gets into a whole other wackadoo I dont want to talk about right now. If you think that you couldnt possibly serve in your given circumstances, youre wrong. An example: A terminally ill child is in the position to give the greatest gift of all. First of all, theres no making any sense of it by the child or any other observer. The child can accept the condition in grace (which they usually do), and everyone learns, they soften, they care, they think about the real meaning of life and perhaps decide not to waste it. This would apply to the mentally ill, the boy raised by wolves, the spoiled brat who doesnt have a clue because theyve never been taught. Of course any one of these individuals can decide to be a troublemaker. That has a whole other set of lessons for the rest of us. You really cant get out of being a teacher. You were born a teacher either in the form of the observer, or in the form of the mirror. And by the way, we do role reversals quite often, so everyone gets to play.
So how can I personalize this? Im following my heart, and that is the heart of an artist. Im doing what Im best at and in doing so, I inspire, excite, and make this world just a little more beautiful. But my ultimate goal has nothing to do with art, and thats to be the best possible role model I can, to give an ear where needed, offer a shoulder to cry on, lend a hand whenever possible, and at all times speak the truth to the best of my knowledge. How to serve mankind? LOVE.

No ones seen this

Just a quick update today. Im posting here, a work that escaped being documented. Something really different. It was one of my famous experiments. Named "I Hope You Dance", for the song. I like it quite well and want to do something similar again. It was fun too. Finished a collage today entitled "What I Love". And indeed it is what I love, trees and reflections in water. Will try to get it online today or tomorrow. This isnt Myspace so, smile icon!