Be Honest With Myself

Im trying a new mental gig. At all times I strive to be honest with myself. No more telling myself I should or shouldnt be feeling this or that. It is, what it is. I am me, totally unique and different from anyone else. Ive been raised to believe in God. I do believe there is a God. I was taught that God loves me and is always with me. Here comes the honest part, I dont believe that. Whether it is or isnt true, that has not been my experience, yet. Im open to changing my mind or being proved wrong. I really want to be wrong. But I havent seen God or felt him in my life. You know what? Coming to terms with that has made me feel better. The reason I dont feel God around me isnt because I was naughty or am working off bad karma. Its because either Im too deaf, dumb, and blind to God, or that wonderful "thing" hasnt happened for me yet, whatever that "thing" is. Its not there in me. I dont trust, Im not hopeful, and I dont love everything. To me, not everything is of God.
I can tell you however, without hesitation or self deception, what I do love, what I unequivacally enjoy, and what never ceases to please me. It can be grand things like the wind, the ocean, nature. Or it can be stupid little stuff, that in the scheme of things dont even add up to a hill of beans, like my jeans are fitting and feeling so comfortable today, a nice large sized Rockstar and the buzz that it generates (I hope you know Im talking about the drink, and not a man animal), or just simply gazing at the back of my puppies head as she surveys her world. To me those things are priceless and gives me joy beyond measure. If thats God, then I have missed the gist of the lesson entirely. To me, that is heaven and if heaven can be had on earth, that is what Im looking for. Im looking at what is truthfully and rightfully mine, accepting it, claiming it, loving it, and shouting it from the highest mountain top.