Im The instrument Of Peace?

Once again, reading a book has spurred me on to blog out of sheer anger. To stay peaceful, I am to say "Lord let me be the instrument of thy peace". If I am not feeling peaceful, just remove myself from the problem. I am totally in charge of my peace. No one else can upset me if I dont let them.
Sometimes I have to wonder, have any of these wise ones gone through any serious shit? Theres nothing I would love to do more than remove myself. Tell me, how do I do that? Im working very hard to save my ass, and everytime I make any kind of move at all, a stick is shoved up said ass. Yeah I want to go. Let me out.
I am the master of my peace. I AM? Tell that to the bank Aurora, whos going to hunt me down till the day i die. What is it about short sale you dont understand Aurora? Let me go, stay out of my business, Im trying to move on, like the law says is my right. Is this a free country? No amount of money coming to me is mine, Aurora wants it. I cant accept money or buy a trailor because they have their hands in my pocket. The banks gave us this bad loan, it was totally their fault, now they want me to pay for their stupidity and greed. I understand how people are pushed to kill themselves because you cant get out, ever.
I finally got OK with losing my precious home and found an alternative, nothing that I would have chosen if I had a real chance, but it was going to be home. There are so many hurdles to such a simple thing as buying a trailor, paying very low lot rent, and living in peace in a retirement community. Timelines and deadlines and pay outs and invoices due and no dogs allowed and no living allowed and your credit is bad and you owe $50,000 and repossession looming and bird is getting sick and Marc is getting sick and Im getting sick and appointments, and calls, and getting rid of my artwork and the other car will never work again and people are stupid and no one knows the law about service dogs.....etc. Well you know what? On the last one, Im gonna sue your ass. Because I just cant take it anymore.The ignorant bastards of the world need a good ass whoopin. Just give me one more reason to scream and I will come down on you like a mad wet ass whooped bat out of hell.
Keep my inner peace. Tell that to all the vermin around me. Im not accepting that this is my fault.

Grounded

Grounded doesnt have a very good connotation. A teenager being grounded, an airline pilot grounded, electricity grounded, someone who has just fallen: grounded. To me, being grounded is a matter of being productive on this earth plane, or going insane. Ive rediscovered how I need my connection to the earth, to its creatures, and plants. I must place my hands in dirt, walk barefoot upon the earth, breathe the fresh air. It is my lifeline. The only thing that keeps me here. Without it I would float away up into the atmosphere so high, I would explode. Ive had nothing to do with my garden or potted plants because it would cause me to go into a deep dark depression. I have to leave it in October. My babies! I have pushed them out of my mind and memory. I still cant handle the garden, but the pots on the deck have become my rediscovered sanity. I walk by them and they cry, "why do you not even look at us anymore"? Ive decided they are coming with me, and I will love them again. I brought my favorite rocking chair out there and placed it under my big beautiful elm tree. I placed a clock out there, because its very important to me to keep track of time. I spend alot of time out there now, along with my cups of coffee and my dog Lily, who must always sit on my lap when Im rocking. Im repotting, watering, repositioning, and gazing upon my green friends. They are who I am. I am the nature girl. I am being fed again. I was starving. I was floating away. Being grounded is home.
In my studio, I will have as many plants as is possible. I will even try to have a bit of retail space for them, as I propagate and grow them from seed and cuttings. My studio will also have a space to sell vintage items, collectibles, and antiques. One of my favorite things to do is go to garage sales looking for treasures. I also have been known to have done a bit of dumpster diving, along with roadside retrieval of items that have great potential for a rehab. Good at that too, and I love doing it. I can not believe what people throw away! Along with my art and possibly others art, it will be a haven for anyone lucky enough to walk through the door. But it begins with dirt, upon which I shall build my foundation.

Slipping

Its hard to stay positive. Its hard to stay happy and act as if nothings wrong. And when you go to dream, reality bites. I cant escape my circumstances at night. The truth teller emerges and shows me whats really inside. You cant escape your dreams and you cant run from your nightmares. They are there when your defenses are down in sweet retreatful sleep. There is no hiding or lying. There is no place called home.