Slipping

Its hard to stay positive. Its hard to stay happy and act as if nothings wrong. And when you go to dream, reality bites. I cant escape my circumstances at night. The truth teller emerges and shows me whats really inside. You cant escape your dreams and you cant run from your nightmares. They are there when your defenses are down in sweet retreatful sleep. There is no hiding or lying. There is no place called home.

New Book

I have had to move on to a new book, Visioning, 10 Steps to Designing the Life of Your Dreams, by Lucia Capacchione, Ph.D. I plan on finishing da Vinci, but this new book addresses my situation most directly right now. My life has totally changed, leaving me in that scarey, nerve wracking state of in between. Im very clear as to what I want, what I need, but as yet cannot enjoy the fruits of my imaginings. I wish it to hurry up, because I would really prefer a roof over my head, if at all possible. Funny how so many of us take things for granted, like a place to live, some abodes being more glorious than others.
The book starts out with making your dream visable and tangible by making a collage (Really? Whats that? lol). When I was 16, I made my son 4 collages of cut out magazine pictures on big sheets of paper. I had no money for paint or decorations, so I used what I had. I knew even then, that visual and mental stimulation was important in an infants development. Each collage had a theme, I dont remember what it was. Knowing me, I probably made it something that wouldnt be understood till he was 5, like things that begin with A, etc. I also desired to instill in him my love of color and design. I wanted him to take after Mommy. Another day, I will get into where that went, as I dont want to digress.
Anyway, Im no stranger to this idea. I really had made one already, just needs gluing down. So Im anxious to dive into this book and make things start to happen.

Life Is What I Make It

Yesterday held a possible promise of a chance for me and my career. But after sitting through long hours of hearing other peoples dreams, there was no space or time for mine. Another days wasted energy spent. I know Im not invisible, or else people wouldnt talk to me at all. They see me, but they dont see ME!. I simmer over with ideas and creativity. Im a great artist. I dont mean great as in an artist of note, but a darn good painter and drawer. Gosh darn, thats me, and I claim it. Theres nothing wrong with my confidence. Then what is wrong with me? Is it because Im not young and beautiful anymore. That held its own problems, because people still didnt see ME. I got their attention because I was nice to look at, and that is all. They never wanted to examine my brain. I am a woman of substance, and surface gratuity just doesnt do it for me. I refuse to be placated by being thrown a bone every now and then. I want this "show" to be about Me, for once in my life. Starts with ME and ends with ME.
I came home to a dismal existence and was very depressed. Later I had a panic attack because I couldnt stop obsessing about it. I feel like I have made a mental separation from my past, these last few days. Im ready and willing to let go of what I thought I wanted. I know now what I really want and it is crystal clear in my mind. Its almost like Im living it already. The problem is, is that my outside world does not resemble my inside world. What kind of magic wand will it take to make it appear before my eyes, because I know its there. I have been cultivating the life I want first, through the medium of Facebook. Im ready to take it to the next step. I will not be dismissed and ignored. Im not that sad little girl anymore.