Invisable

I love my dog for many reasons, one of them being she makes me feel like God. Shes the only living thing on earth that ever has and ever will make me feel that way. Human beings, especially the ones who know you the best, have a way of not seeing potential in you. They tend not to notice your abilities and talents, and also what hurts your feelings. All I ask is to be equal in my unique abilities that I can bring to the table. I have no desire to lord it over anyone. This especially becomes evident when dealing with men. Maybe I dont have enough self confidence when it comes to feeling equal. Maybe I truly dont believe it, but I dont think that is it. Men are used to being front and center, and women revolving around them. At best I feel like I offer "a womans touch"! Ouch! I hate being told that or even being made to feel that way. I am a complete human with my own ideas, accomplishments, and talents. I have a desire to share equally with my fellow human beings. The days of being put down, or putting myself down are long gone. But what do you do when youre pretty much stuck in a situation that is not easily escaped from. Do I have to start "manhandling" affairs, raise my voice and bitch? Thats exactly what I would become known as, a bitch. I am not a female dog, and maybe we could as a society, lose that word, and come up with another descriptive word for a strong female.
Ive let this feeling of mine rule how Ive started signing my work. I dont write my name, like I have a right to and be proud of. I write initials, cloaking myself as gender neutral. I think most people viewing my work, not knowing my gender, would assume it was created by a male. Just as doctors are assumed to be male. Thank God thats starting to change. But because my work is so good, I believe it is seen as male. Hey, Ill take it, Im not that proud. Besides it gives me great pleasure in watching and listening to peoples reactions when they find out Im a woman. But it would be nice to say, "Hello, Im Ellary Branden. Im an artist and a woman".

Heart. Not Production

I quit! I am a heart artist, not a production artist. I have felt that feverishly whipping out art for the public to sell was the mark of a successful artist. Who am I whipping it out for? My public is not clamoring, and there is no production company waiting for my next piece so they can make money. By being feverish, I have given myself a fever and have made myself sick. I concluded that after reading just a few words of Wayne Dyers book "Theres A Spiritual Solution To Every Problem". Here are some excerpts.
"Surrender. This is first because it is the most crucial and often the most difficult. For those of us who have grown up believing life is a do-it-yourself project it is hard to admit that we need the help of many others just to survive for a day. In order to surrender you must be able to admit to being helpless. Thats right, helpless. In surrender, my thoughts are something like this: I simply do not know how to resolve this situation and I am turning it over to the same force that I turn my physical body over to every night when I go to sleep. When I plug into the material world, I receive the illusions of disharmony and actually have the results inside of me. I feel out of sorts, hurt, upset, anguished and hopeless in terms of being able to solve or correct my problem. When I am plugged in this way I struggle to attain false powers. This struggle inhibits me from receiving mystical or spiritual power. Defining empowerment only in material world terms is a reflection of being spiritually disconnected."
I walked away from this computer after my last blog deciding not to return, unless the spirit moved me. Also I have left my art go until the spirit moves me to continue it again. What has been my way of being, has not worked. I may end up homeless, owning nothing but my precious Lily. If that is my path, I accept it. I await what is to come with acceptance.

Allow Me

Allow me now my time to rant, worry. and cry. Its my blog and I can cry if I want to. If you dont like it, shut up and dont read it. Do you sense something is a little askew? You must be psychic, because I dont know what Ive done to give it away. Sarcastic I am and a whole lot of mad. Ready to throw in the towel actually. Im trying to figure out how Im gonna live. Survive! Im out of money, my credit cards are maxed out, I bought a new truck for someone who I thought was going to get a job. Just the truck and insurance alone takes all my disability money. So it looks like I will have to live/hide in it. I can get a lunch weekdays. I can also take a sponge bath there. Weekends I fend for myself. Im going to have to think of safe places to park overnight. If you park in the nice neighborhoods, they call the cops on you. In a not nice neighborhood, they dont care and actually welcome you and your booty that they will help themselves to. How do I know this? Ive been here once before when I was forced out of my home by a man who was abusing me. I lived 3 weeks in my truck while working so I could save enough money for an apartment. Things were much better for me then. I was younger, not disabled, had my health, and a job. The only hope I have now is to sell my paintings consistantly enough to support myself. Oh and I forgot to mention, I cant take my art, use my computer, buy canvases and supplies, or have a place to paint, then store my work. I cant take anything with me except my dog whom Id rather die than to give her up.
Im losing my mind. Alot of people would just off themselves, prostitute and/or do drugs. Im going to survive and take what comes, and keep trying till its over. I have to because to do anything else is not me. Signing off for now. I have to go sulk awhile.

Grounded

Grounded doesnt have a very good connotation. A teenager being grounded, an airline pilot grounded, electricity grounded, someone who has just fallen: grounded. To me, being grounded is a matter of being productive on this earth plane, or going insane. Ive rediscovered how I need my connection to the earth, to its creatures, and plants. I must place my hands in dirt, walk barefoot upon the earth, breathe the fresh air. It is my lifeline. The only thing that keeps me here. Without it I would float away up into the atmosphere so high, I would explode. Ive had nothing to do with my garden or potted plants because it would cause me to go into a deep dark depression. I have to leave it in October. My babies! I have pushed them out of my mind and memory. I still cant handle the garden, but the pots on the deck have become my rediscovered sanity. I walk by them and they cry, "why do you not even look at us anymore"? Ive decided they are coming with me, and I will love them again. I brought my favorite rocking chair out there and placed it under my big beautiful elm tree. I placed a clock out there, because its very important to me to keep track of time. I spend alot of time out there now, along with my cups of coffee and my dog Lily, who must always sit on my lap when Im rocking. Im repotting, watering, repositioning, and gazing upon my green friends. They are who I am. I am the nature girl. I am being fed again. I was starving. I was floating away. Being grounded is home.
In my studio, I will have as many plants as is possible. I will even try to have a bit of retail space for them, as I propagate and grow them from seed and cuttings. My studio will also have a space to sell vintage items, collectibles, and antiques. One of my favorite things to do is go to garage sales looking for treasures. I also have been known to have done a bit of dumpster diving, along with roadside retrieval of items that have great potential for a rehab. Good at that too, and I love doing it. I can not believe what people throw away! Along with my art and possibly others art, it will be a haven for anyone lucky enough to walk through the door. But it begins with dirt, upon which I shall build my foundation.

Unsafe

I was watching a commercial this morning that got me thinking as to why it makes me so uncomfortable. Its about young couples in the act of romantic marriage proposals. Trying to put myself in the womans place, I found it hard to really believe and trust those feelings of being taken care of, of feeling safe. Ive never had anything that resembled that in my life, either through my parents or in my own life. There was nothing I wanted more growing up then the that fairytale life with a man who cherished me, was responsible, who held a job, who wanted a family with the house and everything else that went along with that scenario. A man who had a reason to get up and go to work, me. I wanted to be that reason to my dad, and later to my husband. I wanted to be someones reason for doing their best in life, because they cared about my welfare, my safety, my sense of innate security, that every child, every adult has a right to feel. I thought the sky was always falling because it always did.
This ties into art because I wouldve probably started an art career early in life. I probably wouldve gone to college for art. Do you know why I didnt? Because I was too busy surviving and that life would have made me feel unsafe. I didnt have it in me to work full time at a job and get an education. I would have had to do it all on my own. It just didnt seem as important to me then, as I was busy surviving. I tried to be practical in my choices of earning a living, and art didnt fit, depression the bill. I would learn to make nice pictures and then what? Its the same problem I have now. I make nice pictures, now what? Sure, my artist has finally been fed, but I still feel hungry, insecure, and unsafe. The depression some days is more than I can bare. But I have art, right? Yes, and thats all I have. Right now, my life depends upon it literally. Its all on me. There is no strong shoulder to lean on, or a warm home to come home to. All I have is art. And you know what? That would be enough for me, if it werent for the stiffling, paralysing feeling of insecurity. My mind continues to tell me Im unsafe. Its all my mind has ever known.

Am I Psychic?

Last night something really shocking happened. I heard a hound dog howl loudly right next to me. Obviously, what made it shocking was that there was no hound there. There is no hound in the neighborhood. And I know beyond a doubt what a hound sounds like, as I had two afghan hounds who howled just like that. I also was stone cold awake. I have been really upset lately over leaving our afghans graves in the back yard here. I had promised them that this was the last stop and we would all be together forever here at Gardener Park. But the bank took Gardener Park away from me, and I have to leave my precious dogs graves behind. Now Im not saying this is why I heard that howl, but could it be? Possibly. In my life, I have heard things at times of great change or danger, a clarion call so to speak. It certainly got my attention and has me wondering whats coming down.
OK, I am somewhat psychic, and at certain times downright psychic. I have amazed myself at what was told to me. I believe its not me, but an outside energy needing to tell me something. You can call that energy anything you want, angels, ghosts, God, I dont know. But incredible it is! And I assure you Im sane. Ive been certified sane.
This leads me to the subject of my art and artists. I usually express these experiences in my art, and Im sure many other artists do also. I think we are just generally by nature, more sensitive to subtle energys in our environment then others. We feel this need to make it manifest in this so called "real" world for others to experience. I use dreams as inspiration as well, because sometimes they make a great impact on my life. Its exciting, and I just have to tell someone, in the form of visual communication. I have found that the viewer of my art will usually experience that energy, and that really makes me happy. I have managed to be an interpreter and ambassador of the other side. How cool is that? Ive always wished I was the kind of psychic that could sit down and read for total strangers, helping them in very deep ways. But this is my gift to myself, as well as to give to others... my art. For this I am truly thankful.

Get Paid?

Next da Vinci question: How can I get paid for what I love? Hmmm, good question. When you are an artist, its not good enough to create, and they will come, much less buy. This is the biggest bugger question that I have been dealing with right now. Lets just get the economy card out of the way first thing. Im not falling for that excuse. There are plenty of people who have plenty of money, and a good quantity of them buy art. Its all about getting into the right venue, and the right market. It is who you know and whether or not you have the cahonies to go for it in spite of what your checking account says. By that I mean in art, as in most businesses, it takes money to make money. Being an artist is expensive when you are promoting yourself properly. There are various dues and fees, art materials you must buy, advertising (yes, I said advertising), shipping costs, travel expenses, etc.... Oh yeah, if you are to do it properly, that is whats involved. And at the same time you must keep a roof over your head, food in your stomach, keep transportation (big enough to cart things around), and all the other necessities of life. And they are bare bone necessities. No dinners out, movies, lattes, new clothes, or any other fun things in life. It should be good enough for the artist to art. If you are not happy with that scenario, then forget about being successful as an artist. Admittedly, there are flukes of nature, like the paint thrower who is "discovered", or the artist that just happens to be in the right place, at the right time, meeting the right people, or then theres the person who is set financially already. That person will have to be particularly hungry to be an artist, because the biggest motivator is gone, making money to survive.
So to get back to the question, what do I have to do to get paid for what I love? All of the above and more things I was too lazy to mention, because there is more. I havent even touched on the emotional aspect of it all. And as you know by now, Im bi poler with depression and anxiety, so its double hard for me to fight the good fight. In my wildest dreams, I would say I want a patron, who believes in me and supports me in my baby steps to success, or a mentor who opens all needed doors for me. Wouldnt that be wonderful!
Oh, and I forgot, it doesnt matter much as to whether you are a good artist. Great artists are a dime a dozen. And there are plenty of artists who became successful by just throwing paint at a canvas, or leaving it blank. And yeah, that truly chaffes my ass (my mothers favorite expression). But life is indeed seemingly unfair. You can control it to a large degree, but its still a crap shoot. Life is what we make it.

Hitting Leo Up Again.

Time to hit Leo up again for inspiration for what to write about today. The next question is: What is my greatest talent? Well, its not art, although Im good at it. It would be my ability to suck it up and move on, and my ability to see the big picture, so to speak. I can make sense out of anything that happens, whether it be to me, someone else, or the world in general. It may make me appear insensitive at times or cruel. I just can take "me out of anything I experience and go to the place of understanding. Sometimes it takes me awhile to get there, as anyone of you know thats been following me this year. But I always arrive at a place of cosmic acceptance. You can think of it as, "what would God think of this"? Dont get me wrong, Im a lowly worm crawling around on this earth, trying to make sense of it all, just like everything and everybody else. But I have this ability to tap into MIND. Capitalized because it is all that exists. Theres even more beyond that. I cant make all the pieces of the puzzle fit, but Ive been working on it, and the picture is becoming clearer. I always feel wonderful when another piece fits. But sometimes the truth is hardcore for us humans to accept. I think one of the greatest lessons a soul can learn in life, is that life as we know it is impersonal. At the same time, it is all about us as individuals fitting into a working whole. I wasnt going to get this gosh darn into this question so deeply, but I cant help myself. Maybe I should stop now, or else I will go on and on.....

New Book

I have had to move on to a new book, Visioning, 10 Steps to Designing the Life of Your Dreams, by Lucia Capacchione, Ph.D. I plan on finishing da Vinci, but this new book addresses my situation most directly right now. My life has totally changed, leaving me in that scarey, nerve wracking state of in between. Im very clear as to what I want, what I need, but as yet cannot enjoy the fruits of my imaginings. I wish it to hurry up, because I would really prefer a roof over my head, if at all possible. Funny how so many of us take things for granted, like a place to live, some abodes being more glorious than others.
The book starts out with making your dream visable and tangible by making a collage (Really? Whats that? lol). When I was 16, I made my son 4 collages of cut out magazine pictures on big sheets of paper. I had no money for paint or decorations, so I used what I had. I knew even then, that visual and mental stimulation was important in an infants development. Each collage had a theme, I dont remember what it was. Knowing me, I probably made it something that wouldnt be understood till he was 5, like things that begin with A, etc. I also desired to instill in him my love of color and design. I wanted him to take after Mommy. Another day, I will get into where that went, as I dont want to digress.
Anyway, Im no stranger to this idea. I really had made one already, just needs gluing down. So Im anxious to dive into this book and make things start to happen.

First Big One!

Made you look! I started my first big canvas. The subject is guess what: Did you say trees? You would be right. Its gonna be in pastel blues. Dont have a name yet. Which that leads me to explain why I seem to have a name, for a piece, sometimes even before I start it. Because I believe in the power of words. When you name something, you imbue it with its own energy. It helps me create a piece as it dictates to me what it wants to be. Its magic, and it compels a person to look, study, and gain insight. This is very powerful and should be taken seriously. Parents, be careful what you name your child.

No ones seen this

Just a quick update today. Im posting here, a work that escaped being documented. Something really different. It was one of my famous experiments. Named "I Hope You Dance", for the song. I like it quite well and want to do something similar again. It was fun too. Finished a collage today entitled "What I Love". And indeed it is what I love, trees and reflections in water. Will try to get it online today or tomorrow. This isnt Myspace so, smile icon!

Art News

Movement on the artistic front here finally. I feel like I have processed most of the pain of moving and now Im ready to turn to my art again. Ive bought two 24"x36" deep profile and gallery wrapped canvases. Got an unbelievable deal on them and I also got the only two that were left. A bit o' luck there. So now Im ready to possibly start a little bit different of a technique, partly because of the huge size of the canvases (biggest so far that Ive done), and cause I just want to. And when I just want to, Im gonna do it come hell or high water. It doesnt mean Im always pleased with the results, and thats my special way of learning. BUT, before I go experimenting on my nice canvases, Im going to do a 16"x20" first. And thats what Ive been doing today. Ive got the paper down and now its ready for paint. This is always my favorite, most exciting part of the process. I took a break to go for a ride in my new SUV, cause I wanted to. I love that truck so much, I will tag along with Marc just to do errands with him. I ride in the back with the puppies. Its not safe for them to ride in front. If an airbag deployed, it could be fatal for them. Anyway, dont have a name for the new one yet, but its trees again. Love, love, love trees! The big ones will also be trees. They are for a special show in the fall at a hospice. This show is well known around here, and from what Im told, hugely popular. It will be my first time doing it, and my first time shelling out some bucks just for the priveledge. And it is a priveledge. There can be a wait anywhere from 6 months to 2 years to get accepted. I got in in 6 months. Because its a hospice, they look for very specific genre, peaceful, beautiful, and happy subjects. I can do that!