वहत इस रियल Value

Im up at 2:00 in the morning watching Hoarders on A&E. It holds my fascination like no other show on TV. Some people would call me a hoarder and maybe to some degree I am. I own that. I understand it and all its complicated reasons and problems. I am also saying that humans in general are hoarders. The difference between hoarders and rich people is that the rich can afford the space to maintain their hoarding, space to walk, room to breathe, and when theres is a problem, they can hire some one to fix it, exterminate it, clean it, remove it. People with less money dont have it so easy if they collect. They do not have the resources to maintain it. They tend not to have friends or family in which they share their environment. Affluent people maintain showcases to impress others even more than their selves. For people with less, it becomes a vicious circle into an abyss in which eventually they cannot dig themselves out of it. Their life becomes even more alienated because of shame, fear, and self loathing. Most of these people have mental health issues and could benefit from therapy and/or medication.
This said, maybe we should all look at what is truly valuable. It goes without saying that air, sun, earth, water, and each other are things no one can live without on earth. We dont value these things at all. We pollute the air, we blot out the sun, we rape the earth, we poison the water, and we abuse, use, and kill one another.
That said, lets look at what value really is. Its whatever value we assign to it. Other than the above mentioned, we dont need anything else. We dont need stuff to live. We need only the most basic food, shelter and clothing to survive. With everything else the value only exists in our minds and the worth we assign to it. Diamonds are rocks that are pretty ugly in their natural state. They are plentiful enough for everyone to have a pretty shiney. But somehow they have become precious, like gold. A few selfish greedy men control all the diamonds. When there are too many diamonds in the market and they become affordable to more people, these greedy men hoard the diamonds to make them expensive again. They spend millions on marketing campaigns to put the idea of value in our minds. Women feel unloved if they dont have a diamond and its size is the measure of how much the gifter loves them. Diamonds are pretty rocks along with other pretty rocks that exist in nature. The diamond has been made king. Millions of people suffer, are abused and even killed because of these diamonds. This doesnt seem to matter to most people because its not them that is negatively affected.
For hoarders, there is value in everything. Nothing gets thrown away because everything is valuable. Some of the things most people would not see as valuable like old food, newspapers, clothes, etc. I would say that there is more value in things than most people see. Old furniture, clothing, plants, animals, fresh food, and yet we throw these things away by the truckload. This stuff is hauled away to big holes in the ground so we dont have to deal with it anymore. We created the stuff, why do we not value it? Why is it wrong to keep something and just to fix it when it breaks? Do we realize that we will eventually choke and drown in our refuse? Where and when will it stop?
Ill tell you what I value and collect. Pretty or interesting rocks. Old furniture that can be fixed. Items from my childhood that brings me back good feelings. Items from my Grandmas life and time that remind me of our love. Things I can use in my art to creatively repurpose a new creation. Plants that were tossed because they were neglected and werent pretty anymore, animals that no one else cares about. This is just a small list of what I value and there is a reason for everything that I have. I walk the fine line between collecting and hoarding. I grew up with a hoarder, a true hoarder, as bad as it gets. I guess you could say its in my DNA or psychie. I am watchful of my habits and what I value. It gets out of hand sometimes but is dealt with when it becomes a problem. I have had therapy and am on medication which helps me keep a grip on reality. I want family and friends to visit, I am proud of my acquisitions, and I dont want to prevent anyone else from living a healthy life, including myself. I am conscious of my environment and see so clearly those who are not.
I could go on and on about this because I see it as so important for us and the planet. A drop of water will eventually find its way back to the ocean. There are shockwaves in everything everyone of us does. Lets become conscious of our world!

अल यू नीद इस Love

All you need is love. Alot of people will say thats nonsense, that in the real world you need money and stuff to survive. I have proof that indeed, all you need is love. I had a terrible childhood, and yet the best and most precious memories I will always cherish in my heart are the few brief times I stayed on my Grandpa and Grandmas farm in Prentice, Northern Wiscosin. They were my step grandparents, parents to my step dad. The Ericksons, and they were Swedish. If you could know how they lived, you would say that no one comes any poorer than that. And you would be right. They had "nothing". There was no indoor plumbing, no bathroom, and no refrigerator. Why did I want to stay there? Because they were the richest people I knew in the commodity of love and acceptance. I was not their step child, like everyone else introduced me as. I was their child, through and through, no different from any other. In fact Grandma favored me over all the other kids, because I was a girl. Her only girl. It was the first time and only time I felt special just because I was female. I was 6, but I still remember her running to me and throwing her waiting loving arms around me and holding me so tight when we first met. Yes I was overwelmed, but I sure did love it, and her, instantly.
Life on the farm was filled with adventure and activity laden days. Never was I bored. There was no TV, no radio. If I couldnt find something to do, Grandma would involve me in her chores, making it age appropriate for me, or do something with me that I chose. She made copious amounts of bread and I would always had my little tins that I would fill. I made all sorts of fancy shapes. She showed me I was important and that I could accomplish something. During night time milking, I would hang out in the barn with the many cats and dogs. It was warm and cozy in there on cold Wisconsin days. It was enough for me to just sit and watch the agrarian life taking place in front of me. I also would go everyday with my handsome tall uncle named Freddie, to get the cows. It was my favorite thing to do of all. We had to find them, then rustle them up, get them moving in the direction of the barn. There was a river we had to cross holding on to a pulley rope and glide across, with me on my uncles shoulders. He would also take me for bike rides on the handlebars of an old bike. He was studying to be a teacher and he always had fun art projects for me to do. I made my first and only encaustic with him using old crayons. There was never any inpropriety, no molestation. I was respected there as an equal human being with rights and feelings. Grandma Esther was very spiritual and took me to church, enrolled me in Sunday school. I still remember the wonderful smell of thousands of broken crayons in a big box that we used during Sunday school to color our bible lessons. My only same age playmate was a Grandchild of Grandmas. He lived just a few farms over and his name was Danny. We were best friends and we thought up endless things to do. We would make "castles in snow, large castles that had rooms, height, stairs, tunnels. There was plenty of snow for that. There was a playhouse at Dannys, where we would play house. Gender was not an issue. Nothing was considered girly, sissy, or tomboyish. It was just us playing out our childish fantasies and It was wonderful.
I will share now a very painful aspect of my childhood. I was a bedwetter. It was a constant source of agony and humiliation for me, because most every adult in my life treated it with disgust. I feel this is important to the story because Grandma Esther treated me as if there was nothing at all wrong with me. I even slept with her when I was there. She had no qualms about that. She just dutifully changed the linens every morning, never a complaint or snide remark, much less a spanking like I was used to. That was purely magical to me. I viewed her as my angel on earth, the one and only person who truly loved me and who was healthy for me to be around. I know that if I had been allowed to grow up there, life for me would have been so different. My own Mother made fun of Esther and detested going anywhere near that hovel. I really hated her for that. Everytime I had to go back home, my heart just broke and I have never felt a pain so bad as that. No, there was nothing there,..... except love.

आर्टिस्ट तो Artist

I wanted to write about how artists inspire other artists. My choice is singer musicians, in particular the Moody Blues. They were IT and everything else to me. The first album I ever bought was Days Of Future Passed and I still have it memorized in my mind. This "affair" began in 1972 and I was 18. It became the soundtrack of the show known as "my emotional life". I was happy, Id listen to them and I became ecstatic. I was hurt and I saw reason in it. I was depressed and I found encouragement. I made a mix tape of all my favorites and wore it out. It wasnt rock music to me, it was hymnns. When I sang along, I sang to God and whatever else was out there and I knew in my heart that I was heard, maybe even answered. I believe the angels gather round a person singing what they love.
Just now Celine Dion is playing and shes singing the theme song from Titanic. That song could crumble the hardest of hearts and I personally can not listen to it with at least one tear welling up in my eye.
When I was about 26, I was meditating and I went off somewhere beautiful. I heard the most extraordinary choir of voices singing hallelujah over and over. Theres no way on earth to have duplicated what I had heard or even remember it for that matter. Humans can come somewhat close to making that sound, but it just doesnt translate into this dimension. What was inspiring was to know such beauty exists somewhere and musicians try to reach that chord without even realizing it. Its in humans to reach and strive for what they remember deep down in their soul.
Thats why artists are so special in this world. Can you imagine a world totally devoid of art? I wouldnt want to live here. Artists are sensitive souls who are here to inspire the rest of us, to show us there is more than what our five senses can perceive. Art is reaching into another dimension and bringing it into this world for everyone to share.

Moving

I have created another blog dedicated to personal emotional issues. My intention for Gardener Park was to be strictly for writing about my life as an artist living with bi poler disorder and depression. It has come too a point where nothing is being written about art. So I started The Purple Poodle to write about things far more personal. To those who follow this blog, you are welcome to read the other one as well.

थे मार्क ऑफ़ थे Beast

Interesting, Ive been thinking, because Ive been watching the history channel about the last days. Ive tried to make sense of this ever since I can remember. What is the mark of the beast? Could it possibly be three numbers that have become all important in our modern life? Our credit score? Its becoming very hard to buy or sell without the right number. No one in commerce wants to deal with you if you have the wrong number. Interesting also that there are three credit bureaus. This is scary stuff and Im seeing this devastation taking place in my life right now. Are we reduced to numbers now? Do human circumstances figure into any financial decisions anymore?

Let Me Enjoy

God, please let me rest. Please, no more pain.

Im The instrument Of Peace?

Once again, reading a book has spurred me on to blog out of sheer anger. To stay peaceful, I am to say "Lord let me be the instrument of thy peace". If I am not feeling peaceful, just remove myself from the problem. I am totally in charge of my peace. No one else can upset me if I dont let them.
Sometimes I have to wonder, have any of these wise ones gone through any serious shit? Theres nothing I would love to do more than remove myself. Tell me, how do I do that? Im working very hard to save my ass, and everytime I make any kind of move at all, a stick is shoved up said ass. Yeah I want to go. Let me out.
I am the master of my peace. I AM? Tell that to the bank Aurora, whos going to hunt me down till the day i die. What is it about short sale you dont understand Aurora? Let me go, stay out of my business, Im trying to move on, like the law says is my right. Is this a free country? No amount of money coming to me is mine, Aurora wants it. I cant accept money or buy a trailor because they have their hands in my pocket. The banks gave us this bad loan, it was totally their fault, now they want me to pay for their stupidity and greed. I understand how people are pushed to kill themselves because you cant get out, ever.
I finally got OK with losing my precious home and found an alternative, nothing that I would have chosen if I had a real chance, but it was going to be home. There are so many hurdles to such a simple thing as buying a trailor, paying very low lot rent, and living in peace in a retirement community. Timelines and deadlines and pay outs and invoices due and no dogs allowed and no living allowed and your credit is bad and you owe $50,000 and repossession looming and bird is getting sick and Marc is getting sick and Im getting sick and appointments, and calls, and getting rid of my artwork and the other car will never work again and people are stupid and no one knows the law about service dogs.....etc. Well you know what? On the last one, Im gonna sue your ass. Because I just cant take it anymore.The ignorant bastards of the world need a good ass whoopin. Just give me one more reason to scream and I will come down on you like a mad wet ass whooped bat out of hell.
Keep my inner peace. Tell that to all the vermin around me. Im not accepting that this is my fault.

I See Things Different

I see things different and I feel it from the bottom of my soul. It is so different from what most other human beings believe. Ive always been that way and have always swam upstream. I tried to fit in and see the logic in the worlds thinking, but just cannot justify it with my brain. Doesnt make sense, doesnt compute. Leaves me feeling tainted and a liar for going along with popular thought. Most people reading this would not agree with what I have to say for obvious reasons. Im going to say what I believe.
Rent should be illegal. Everyone should own there little piece of the world. No one has the right to prey upon those less fortunate to pad there own bank account or to pay there mortgage for them. It takes ownership and any hope of ownership away from those who are struggling to own there little piece of the world, which is everyones right no matter what. We are all citizens of planet earth and should partake of it equally. Those who wish not to work as hard would have less land than those who "toil" very hard. And by work I mean WORK, great physical expenditure. This doesnt mean paying someone else to do it for you because you have more than them. It doesnt mean investing, borrowing, stealing, conning those with less cunning and drive to have more. No more preying upon those who have less, just to take even more from them, by those who have more or alot more, to acquire even more. No more growing profits each quarter because where does that end? It ends by sucking the last buck out of the have nots. Thats the only way you increase profits every year. And no more symbolic giving to "charities". There wouldnt be a need for charities. It is not enough to give a little to some anonymous cause by those that have so much in comparison to what they give.
Back to rent, are you seeing my logic? For travelers there needs to be rent, for a room, for a night or beyond, until they have achieved what they have traveled for.
So how strange and wrong am I? Lets hear it. I want to hear how that would never work, and how thats communism, and how crazy I am. Where does this come from? It comes from caring about those that are not considered mine, in my circle or family, or from someone that will give me something in return for any good I do. I see, I care, I feel, I love, and I have a conscience. It talks loud to me, it is deafening and I cant not listen.

Gypsy Without A Clan

A gypsy without a clan is a lost person without a plan. Yes, thats me. If one doesnt have a supportive family, they have nothing. It is the sole determinator of wealth. A wild cannon, a balloon without a tether, a hole without a mole. Empty and unfullfilled, unloved and purposeless.
I have memories of a past life as a gypsy. The familial ties were strong and never to be broken. Only death would take away the body but still the spirit would remain. Even in death. My soul remembers this and I cant believe theres no one looking for me, desperately wanting to bring me home again. This whole life I had no family. Long ago what was family was familys, equally shared. It was made for all, shared by all, and inherited in death. A continuity of a line that began in the beginning and continues for all time.
Thats why to break this is a fate worse than death. Thats what I did. I ran away. It was over a disagreement of beliefs. Somewhere in there, there was a strong male beckoning me to leave. My new heart overtook my eternal heart and I was lost. They searched and searched. I ran and hid. It ended badly, tragically. There is still a hole in my heart and Im wondering where my family is. Why did they stop looking for me, why did they stop loving me.
A soul can own the whole world, but without your clan you are empty and without purpose, unable to ever be truly happy. I had it and I threw it away. Now karma is giving me a giant whack over the head. This life has been a life of constant movement, like a gypsy, but no family. I moved alone, afraid and unsure. No one to always be there no matter what. No one to raise me from childhood and there will be no one to hold my hand when its time to pass over. I have to wonder who will be on the other side to collect me. I can only think of one person and I havent seen hide nor hair of her since she crossed over, so she might not be there for me. Came in alone, will leave alone.
You cant make family love you. That love bond is either there unquestioned or forever missing. No one came looking for me. They did not wonder what happened to me. They have no idea the hell Ive been through, did not try to save me from that. They did not care whether I was dead or alive. They didnt think I had anything valuable to give and they shared nothing with me. These are hard words and I will accept the fallout. You cant lose something you never had to begin with.

My Letter To David Horowitz Published On Fightback.com

The Reality of The Housing Crisis: Real People, Real Victims

October 15, 2010

I received the following letter from a woman with no other options in regards to managing and/or selling her properties. I find it worthwhile to show my Fight Back! Readers the sad realities of what happens when things do not go as we wish they would:

Thank you for your offer of help. Unfortunately it may be too late. Its now being offered as a short sale. We got a really bad deal when we bought. First there was a bait and switch, then we were talked into more than we wanted to spend, then they gave us an interest only loan with no need to verify income. We would not have qualified otherwise. Then in 5 years it would go to a variable rate. We felt Ok about this because we owned some property, and were receiving rental income. We’re co-owner in a multi million dollar warehouse and it was for sale. The market immediately went bad, lost the tenents, lost the buyers. We then couldnt pay mortgage as Michael lost his job and Im disabled. Now the bank is trying to attach the warehouse in the future when it sells. So we will not only lose our house, but also the warehouse sale money and have no house to show for it. Our house is worth half of what we paid for it, what we wanted to pay in the beginning. The people buying it will get it for half. We put at least $100,000 into it and have no equity. They pretended they were going to work with us on the Obama plan and then changed their minds after frustrating delays that you would not believe. Ive been to the point of feeling suicidal. Im 57 and it was my very first house in my whole life. Its all I ever wanted all my life and now it looks like our financial future is ruined with no chance of ever buying another home. There is actually even more to this story, but I wont bore you. Ive been praying for an angel to help. Ive even thought I would like to try to sue but others say just let it go. Im so upset, I cant let it go. If theres anything you think you could help us with at this late date please let me know. I believe in miracles.

Thank you,

“Ellen”

David Horowitz printed my letter to him because it represents the nightmare so many Americans are going through right now with no recourse. You can read it on Fightback.com and leave a comment if you wish.

Dont Poke The Tiger

The tiger being me. Because if it happens to be one of my nuclear buttons, I might say or do anything. Im not proud of that. And yes I think its wrong. Im working on it. Im a Sag., aries, aries, sag., sag., year of the snake, full blooded German spitfire who has a giant ax to grind.
Poor little Zahra who was being brutalized by her stepmother, survived bone cancer, lost a leg and her hearing. If I was her neighbor or teacher, she might still be alive. I just cant stand by and watch something so wrong continue. I cant keep my mouth shut either, or maybe I dont want to. We cant always be all sweetness and light. Anger has a place and serves a purpose in this world.

Family

What is the saying, "feeling like the red-headed step child"? Or, "the black sheep of the family". Or, "like a leper". Or, "shes just like her father". Or, "shes never going to amount to anything". Or, "do we have to invite her"? wah wah! Or, "shes just lazy, is just like her father, and she'll never change". This is what family is to me. This is what they think of me. And "they" will never change!
I am the daughter of a mother who couldnt/wouldnt love, and who died in 1963. I am also the daughter of a father who is mentally ill with the worst case of compulsive disorder (hoarding) Ive ever known, along with severe paranoia. He doesnt know how to love, he doesnt know what love is, and he never has. To my family, I am them, and they are me. Ive never been an individual who deserved attention or love just for my own sake. I have never been seen as a separate entity deserving of a chance to make my own way. I have never been welcomed to any family gathering because they love me. It was because it was the right thing to do and Christian. And then after awhile it was the thing no one wanted to do.
"Poor little Jane" still rings in my head. No wonder I wanted to change my name. I wanted a new identity, a fresh start. I wanted to reinvent myself from the stinky mess that was once me. And now I wish I could go back to something that really was never there in the first place. The only reason I knew it existed in my world is because everybody else had what I wanted. I observed it in other families, I saw it in my own family, but it was NEVER for me. I guess that makes me selfish, hah? Self asorbed, childish, needy, a winer. According to them, I am. I know however I am not any of those things and am tired to death of being thought of in that way. If you (family) cant think of me and see me for what I truly am, then dont think of me at all. Its what you have not been doing anyway, so it should be no problem.

See The Baby

Ive been thinking alot about this lately. Why are abused children so hated and misunderstood? I know youre going, "what"? "No body does that", right? Every time people judge others, take time to think about where they may have came from. That person was once an innocent child left in the hands of adults who were supposed to love and guide them correctly in life. Not everyone is so lucky. For some, its an accomplishment that they simply survived. Others were led to suicide and still others to abuse of others and even murder. They should know better, right? To someone who cant understand their upbringing this reasoning makes sense. It makes sense to me too, even though I was one of those kids. But many of the abused ones chose another path as I did. They learned something from it and was able to deal with the overwhelming anger and bitterness from their childhood. To those I say, Bless You, for you have truly learned what you came here for.
I would also say to those who were not strong enough or far too damaged to correct their life, I understand. I understand the relentless anger. I understand the bitterness that gnaws away at your soul. I understand the sick joy that is felt when perpetrating upon another, that which you went through when you were too young to process, in order to somehow try to reconcile what happened to you. You were surviving the best way you knew how. How can we judge that person because inside they are still that hurt child, never able to grow up, never able to let go of the pain. Society makes it worse for seeing a devil and not wondering where the child went to. We should try to learn everyones story, even the worst of the worst. Ours is not to condone but to look, see, and understand. Yes, criminals must be put away and punished but we can still understand why it happened. Whats the purpose of this? To prevent it from happening over and over again. We can stop it now. Dont stand around and look the other way when children and women are being abused. If you think it doesnt affect you, you are wrong. It affects society as a whole. You and your children and their children live in this society, and sooner or later will cross the path of a damaged child/adult and may God help you.
I have to add this caveat. I believe there is also evil and I believe it does incarnate in certain individuals. You can tell by what was offered that child and what it did with those gifts. Some people come from wonderful homes with loving parents and still choose to go bad. I cant justify what they do because that doesnt even make sense to me. I dont know why. And dont discount the mentally ill, who through no fault of their own entered into a body that just didnt work right. There are so many degrees of cause that it boggles the mind.
My point is, dont be so quick to think you know it all. There are many extenuating circumstances to everyones life and you are doing them a disservice by not getting to thier story. The moccasin analogy applies here.

Invisable (in-viz'-i-bl)

According to the New Century Dictionary, invisible means; Not visible; not perceptible by the eye or mind (as, Ellary not seen, therefore not included in business matters of import or family functions); not perceptible or discernible by the mind (as when no thought to how Ellary would feel about being forgotten or not thought of in any matter); withdrawn from or out of sight ( as in out of sight, out of mind); also blends into the backround as a chameleon so as not to be detected ( Ellary is so empty, loveless, talentless, or has nothing to give or share to others that they go about their lives as if she isnt important to them, is not a family member, or as if they never even knew her); an invisible thing or being (blends into the environment as to appear like the furniture, walls, or floor.
I swear to God, this was in the dictionary when I was trying to look up a word for how I feel right now, some of the words are mine.

OMG, Dont Have Internet

Yesterday I was forced to look at myself and the fact that I have an addiction. I went without my precious internet and Facebook yesterday, not by choice, but by meaness from the great computer god. I sat and wailed "why me computer god"? What have I done to offend you? How can I appease you, an offering, a sacrifice? Are you mad that I never clean the vehicle of your expression? Did I swear too much (cant help that)? Was I rude to eat in front of you and not offer you any. I really didnt think you would want what I eat.
Who have you been talking to and what are they saying behind my back? None of its true! Is that why you are so quiet? You and your cohorts are plotting against me? Thats it, isnt it? Well I aint going down without a fight!
My hand, operating on its own with orders from God knows who, was ordered to slap some sense into me. Wait a minute, could I, would I, be addicted, and Im going through td's? Just one day without my computer and I was going crazy! I didnt know what to do with myself. I was getting upset that I might be missing something that would be life-changing. No matter what I did, in the back of my mind I hear in a mechanical voice, COMPUTER COMPUTER. I was forced to take a good look at myself and see that I put way too much time into this machine. That is all that it is, a thing. I started accomplishing the things I had written on my to-do list, marking them off, one by one. Its good to be clean. I can think clearly. I see my world and my place in it.
Yesterday was one of the most fun, busy, fulfilling days that I have had in a while. And I really learned something. But thank God its working today!!!!!!!

Take It Somewhere, Make It Into Something

Sitting here, or rather I should say treading here, on the treadmill, feeling a wee bit sorry for myself. What can be learned from this. Ill be damned if I went through this misery for nothing. I am not a victim, even though time after time I would just love to throw in the proverbial towel and give up. To do that would be wasting a life of hard and constant learning putting me on the fast track to SOMEWHERE. You know that prized destination that we all strive for. The place where we can at last make sense of our existence here. Ive come this far and things should be falling into place like pieces of a puzzle. Every now and then I find a corner, there should be only four, right? It seems Ive found more corners than that and the picture should be more formed than it is. Be that as it may, I sit on my fanny, or treading as the case may be, looking for the next big clue. Where to go. What to do. I want to take it somewhere and make it into something. Ive put in my very impressive resume and now Im waiting for my call back. What do they say, a watched door never opens?
I have accumulated a vast amount of knowledge and experience in my life and Im ready to take it somewhere and make it into something. This life will not be for naught.

Saint Francis of Assisi

I know I wanted this blog to be about the trials and tribulations in the daily life of an artist dealing with bi polar disorder and a rotten upbringing. Im finding it hard most days to stay within the desired guidelines. Just as I strive to grow and learn everyday, so does my blog evolve, and in that respect I am accomplishing what I set out to do. Theres not much talk about being an artist or discussion on BPD. There is, however, flexibility here in expressing the unfoldment of me, wherever that goes. Wayne Dyer has been a Godsend to me. Reading his book has really reached a place inside that I thought I would never reach. Anger is leaving, being replaced with love. I am learning to replace all unproductive emotions and thoughts with love. I ask myself constantly, "What do I love"? Negative thoughts find it impossible to dwell in a mind contemplating on what it loves. Below is one of the most profound bit of writing of all time, and I never truly conceived of what it really meant, untill now.

Lord make me an instrument of thy peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is doubt, faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
Where there is sadness, joy.

O divine master, grant that I may not so much seek
To be consoled as to console,
To be understood as to understand,
To be loved as to love;
For it is in giving that we receive;
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
It is in dying to self that we are born to eternal life.

Saint Francis of Assisi

Be Honest With Myself

Im trying a new mental gig. At all times I strive to be honest with myself. No more telling myself I should or shouldnt be feeling this or that. It is, what it is. I am me, totally unique and different from anyone else. Ive been raised to believe in God. I do believe there is a God. I was taught that God loves me and is always with me. Here comes the honest part, I dont believe that. Whether it is or isnt true, that has not been my experience, yet. Im open to changing my mind or being proved wrong. I really want to be wrong. But I havent seen God or felt him in my life. You know what? Coming to terms with that has made me feel better. The reason I dont feel God around me isnt because I was naughty or am working off bad karma. Its because either Im too deaf, dumb, and blind to God, or that wonderful "thing" hasnt happened for me yet, whatever that "thing" is. Its not there in me. I dont trust, Im not hopeful, and I dont love everything. To me, not everything is of God.
I can tell you however, without hesitation or self deception, what I do love, what I unequivacally enjoy, and what never ceases to please me. It can be grand things like the wind, the ocean, nature. Or it can be stupid little stuff, that in the scheme of things dont even add up to a hill of beans, like my jeans are fitting and feeling so comfortable today, a nice large sized Rockstar and the buzz that it generates (I hope you know Im talking about the drink, and not a man animal), or just simply gazing at the back of my puppies head as she surveys her world. To me those things are priceless and gives me joy beyond measure. If thats God, then I have missed the gist of the lesson entirely. To me, that is heaven and if heaven can be had on earth, that is what Im looking for. Im looking at what is truthfully and rightfully mine, accepting it, claiming it, loving it, and shouting it from the highest mountain top.

No White Horse

I was born in poverty and chaos, but always had the ways of a Queen. I was never a joiner. Friends were less important than character. With the patience of Job, I knew my day would come. My favorite faery tale was Cinderella. I thought my prince would come only to realize he never existed, not in this world anyway. Just give me my own damn white horse.

It Is All I Thought I Had

It is all I thought I had, because that is all I heard. What prompted this statement? I was reading a very beautiful Facebook friends updates today, and not very surprised to see mostly men commenting on how beautiful and young she looked. Does that bother other women as much as that bothers me? Do you know why? Because for most of my life it is all I thought I had, because that is all I heard. Yes, from men mostly, but also women too. My whole worth was built on the foundation of my appearance and how young I was. Then later it became how young I was able to look, as I aged. Now, not so much. And yes, that leaves me feeling that I have no more worth if Im not able to any longer extract a complement out of a mans mouth. I am not even known to exist in their eyes. Why cannot a man look beyond his penis and into the heart and brain of a woman? The hormone arguement is not acceptable to me. We have hormones to learn how to control them and fit into a humane society. It is inhumane to judge something purely on how it looks, what it can do, how it can make you feel, or what it can do for you. That makes it an object devoid of any human significance or worth. I was always more flattered when complimented on my intelligence. Women have so much more to offer than how they look. Its a very intelligent man who knows this to be true. Next time men, think of something else to say other than a comment on appearance (if you can!)

I Cant Remember

I am haunted by images and feelings that have no faces, no meanings. I know who didnt like me but still I cant place their face as perpetrator. This is before time had meaning and thoughts were just pictures. Words werent fully known and not assigned to their rightful place in my mind. I hear crying, yelling, berating, some of it me. I remember being held under water in the bath tub and scared beyond imagination. I was beat repeatedly and there is no face to blame. I remember in my small mind pleading for mercy without words. Night after night I was held down in bed barely being able to breathe and as I always explain it, "climbing an endless wall of blankets". The nights were also time for nightmares and devils coming out of the black hallway, evil laughing from space somewhere. My mother was later identified as one of the perps, But I cant imagine she did it all, because I was hardly ever with her. She gave me to whoever would take me, a neighbor, an uncle, grandma, babysitter. I remember countless houses as plain as day, but not one thing that occured within them. I could take you to them even now if they still exist. How can I remember so clearly going there and nothing else? I know that my moms side of the family were all against me. I suffered constantly whenever I was with any one of them. I remember boredom, fear, and humiliation beyond measure. I would literally be physically ill when I was to be in their care. My stuffed animals became my protectors and I drowned in them at night. Maybe if the mean ones couldnt find me amongst all those animals, I would be OK. One in particular was my champion, a very large purple poodle that my good grandma gave me to hug when I was hurting. Purple poodle became my safety amulate against all evil and if I hugged it tight enough, maybe it would all go away. That poodle was the butt of many jokes and teasing by the mean ones. It hurt me to have purple poodle treated badly.
The images of things, some of them genital, haunt me still. I will wake up gasping for air with the kind of fear one would have just before death. It continued in life as panic attacks that had no end. The sadness too continued. I dont ever remember being truly and purely happy like childhood is supposed to be. This continued on as depression so deep and dark, I couldnt find my way out of it. Anger also developed later and I became the perpetrator to friends and animals. I tore up every baby doll I ever had because I hated them so much. But I knew this was wrong, so I removed myself from the stimulus and the situation. I was afraid of myself, afraid of what I might do, afraid of what I might become. Life was never normal for me and I dont even know what normal feels like. Everything I know today, I taught myself because there wasnt any help for me. Most people dont even know my history, and when they ask why I am this way, Im at a loss as what to say. Ive been judged, hated, and feared by people who dont even know me. Ive been punished for things I didnt do. And the depression is ever present.
Maybe something can be learned from this posting. Think again that a child wont remember something because theyre too little. Think again that even one bad incident wont haunt them for the rest of their life. Many will be left perplexed as to why they are the way they are, with no faces or meaning behind it. They will think they are just inherently bad and start living up to their self image. They will recieve outside reinforcement from everyone around them that yes, they are indeed very bad and strange. They wont be able to argue this point because they wont remember anything except nightmares and demons. Maybe my gift is to be a voice for these children.

Less Of Nothing

Most people my age are winding down, looking forward to retirement, wanting a smaller place and less things. They want a less hectic life that has more meaning rather than more responsibility and acquiring possessions. This is a very generalized statement and observation and not true for everyone. Its not true for me because I was just starting to wind up, to reap what my life experiences have taught me. I wasnt even close to achieving what my heart desired before it was all taken away. I feel now that Im getting tired and I really dont want to try achieving any longer. I have not reached my period of harvest, the crops failed again, and it will be a long hard winter to survive through until once again I may have another chance to succeed. Every time winter comes around I am less energetic, less enthusiastic, and possessing less patience and hope. Ive worked really hard just to keep it together. I got the house Ive wanted all my life and now Im sitting here stunned as to what to do and where to go. I know that I must keep going, keep doing, keep loving, keep breathing, and maybe if thats all I ever do in this life, it will be enough. The sadness never goes away though. I dont know how a person can have less than nothing.

Enemies?

"If we could read the secret history of our enemies we shall find in each man's sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility". Henry W. Longfellow
That is all I have to say today.

Hope, Then Lower Then Low

Why do I see hope one day, when I think my life could really amount to something, then go to even lower than the lowest, the day before? Sure Im bi poler, and that doesnt help anything, but its more than that. I have moments when I really dont think I can hang on any longer. I dont see a whole lot of other people around me walking the tightrope between life and death. I dont see them hanging on by their white knuckles on the most gigantic roller coaster in the world, the coaster that never stops. I just want to give up and say fuck you, lay down and die! Ive wasted my entire life by having hope something or someone was going to work out and when everything was all said and done, I would have been better off hitting the road with the first sign of a problem. And now its over with. Theres nothing left in the bank account, in the bank or my soul. Im overdrawn and I just cant do it anymore.

Dismissal Of Answers

"Dont dismiss as implausible spiritual answers that dont correspond to the way you want your life to be structured". This comes from a book by Wayne Dyer that Im currently reading. (I love Wayne!) There will be books and "spiritual" teachers that will tell you that you can manifest exactly what you want in life. I have not found this to be true. You can want what you want, but you will still be given what you need. To want something other than what you currently possess, changes things. It moves the energy, but it will be a different version of the same, and you probably wont like the process. If you can not be happy and at peace in your current situation, you will not recognise the spiritual answer that comes your way. It very well may be the poler opposite of what you had envisioned. You desired change and you were given the answer. We are like babies. The baby wants candy, but mom gives it healthy food. The baby may or may not like it, but it was hungry, and mom responded. It got what it needed for proper development, growth, and happiness. Our lower self will want many things that are not in our best interest to aid spiritual growth. We will never be happy until we realize this. "Dont dismiss as implausible spiritual answers that dont correspond to the way you want your life to be structured".

Life As I Know It

Life as I know it is over. Nothing can be the same again. Maybe it shouldnt be. Very few times in my life have I been stricken by this overwhelming fear of the unknown. Ive always been pretty brave and adventurous. This is life shattering. I felt this way when I was taken away from Grandma, when my mother died, and when the judge sent me to a mental institution when I was just 13. It is a death. I am about to die. I wont be able to do most things I love and that center me. I have my precious dog, and her worth has soared out of sight for me now. Shes my lifeline. And I know that one day, not that far away, I will have to say goodbye to her as well.

Invisable

I love my dog for many reasons, one of them being she makes me feel like God. Shes the only living thing on earth that ever has and ever will make me feel that way. Human beings, especially the ones who know you the best, have a way of not seeing potential in you. They tend not to notice your abilities and talents, and also what hurts your feelings. All I ask is to be equal in my unique abilities that I can bring to the table. I have no desire to lord it over anyone. This especially becomes evident when dealing with men. Maybe I dont have enough self confidence when it comes to feeling equal. Maybe I truly dont believe it, but I dont think that is it. Men are used to being front and center, and women revolving around them. At best I feel like I offer "a womans touch"! Ouch! I hate being told that or even being made to feel that way. I am a complete human with my own ideas, accomplishments, and talents. I have a desire to share equally with my fellow human beings. The days of being put down, or putting myself down are long gone. But what do you do when youre pretty much stuck in a situation that is not easily escaped from. Do I have to start "manhandling" affairs, raise my voice and bitch? Thats exactly what I would become known as, a bitch. I am not a female dog, and maybe we could as a society, lose that word, and come up with another descriptive word for a strong female.
Ive let this feeling of mine rule how Ive started signing my work. I dont write my name, like I have a right to and be proud of. I write initials, cloaking myself as gender neutral. I think most people viewing my work, not knowing my gender, would assume it was created by a male. Just as doctors are assumed to be male. Thank God thats starting to change. But because my work is so good, I believe it is seen as male. Hey, Ill take it, Im not that proud. Besides it gives me great pleasure in watching and listening to peoples reactions when they find out Im a woman. But it would be nice to say, "Hello, Im Ellary Branden. Im an artist and a woman".

Watching And Waiting

Lily got a bath today and I was sitting out on the deck in the sun with her while she dried. When I sit out there and look around, nothing is familiar to me anymore. It is all strange just as my new life will be strange. I have so totally disengaged myself from what meant anything and everything to me. I might as well be on another planet. Have I anesthetized myself to avoid the relentless pain that has overtaken my life. Is this shock? It must be because Im calm and not feeling much of anything. I look out into the world everyday with pleading longing eyes, just hoping to catch a glimpse of what is to be for me. Please let it be kind. I feel like a murderer who has been tried and is waiting sentencing. Crying about it wouldnt do any good because you are locked away in your cell for what seems like forever and maybe your sentence will be light, or maybe your sentence will be death. Its totally up to those jurers who sat in judgement of you, not knowing who you were or where you came from. Sitting there in their high chairs looking down upon a pitiful mess that is you. This wouldnt even be so terrible if I were guilty but....oh, by the way, did I mention I was innocent. And I have no idea why this has come down on my head. I look at other peoples faces and there is no connect. Their world is as safe as its going to be and they dont want to go there with me and my pain. They havent got a clue as to what is really going on. Ive been telling them, but they dont hear. I tend to believe that they think Im a consumate actress bent on hysterics and drama. If anyone should be used to this scenario it would be me, because I know it so well. But Im tired and I would like a vacation, maybe even retire from constant injury to my soul. Im asking; God help me! Right now I would settle for a small apartment I can afford. That would seem like manna from heaven.

Afraid To Offend

When talking to a blind man, you watch what you say. Why is that? He's not watching you.

Channeling

Ive never done this process for anyone else to read. It was always written in my journal for my own personal way of dealing with very bad circumstances in my life. But I didnt used to blog either so, I will give it a try here and now. I hope I can get over the mental block of knowing this will be seen and offered up for scrutiny by anyone who cares to read this. When I channel, I try not to censor what the answers to my questions are. Here we go.
How can my time be best used right now?
Being prayerful throughout your day. Keep your center as the inner sanctum of a spinning top. The world is all a rush around you, but you are centered in that undisturbed vortex. You see the spinning, but remain unreactive to it because where you exist, it is still.
How do I accomplish this?
By realizing that you cannot own anything, you cannot be something that you are not, you didnt bring it with you, and you cant take it with you. Spirit does not possess matter or ego. To know this, to study this, is how peace can be found and maintained. Isnt your question really, "How can I find peace?"

Keep Moving

I dont mean by this, keep moving your stuff or place. I mean keep moving, keep eating, keep walking, keep laughing, keep talking, keep meeting, and yes, if you must, keep crying. Movement is key to growth and healing. It is speeding up your vibration so that you will see happiness and answers when they come your way. If you are stagnant, you also will still see. But it will be one constant problem after another that will come your way. Nature does not reward stagnation. Even stagnation cannot remain so. We look at a cesspool of water, and its not moving. But in the higher vibration organisms are busy breaking something down that is toxic, into something fresh and renewed. A dead body isnt moving and by all appearances its the end, no more life. What looks like decay is life, constant movement, to make a problem into a solution. Whether you decide to or not, nature will eventually correct your inactivity with this same process of so called "breaking down". Or you can choose to be the initiate and be the driver, opening up new and fresh possibilities. In Wayne Dyers book, "Theres A Spiritual Solution To Every Problem", he states, "When you live exclusively in the slowed down, solid-appearing world, you encounter slowed-down, solid appearing circumstances, that we define as problems". This is a great book and is exactly what I need right now. Thankyou garage sale!

For Change, You must Change

I have recently become reaquainted with Patanjali, a mystic living thousands of years ago. It was through a Wayne Dyers book, that I remembered my inner introduction to Patanjali. He came to me in meditation, but I was not ready for his teachings. Sometimes the teacher comes before the ego is ready to accept. But I always remembered him. He never left me. And now I take to heart that which was offered. To study his five aphorisms is life changing. That comes about by changing your mind. I quote Wayne Dyer; "As you face a problem, remind yourself that you created it with one mind, and you will solve it with another." This one statement is a paradigm shift in thought for me. I realized, that is how I have survived. I changed. I changed from Jane to Ellary, from scared to fearless, from sad to jovial, from concerned and involved to indifferent and evolved. People in my life have not recognized me from one moment to the next, not because Im so unremarkable, but because I change.i
Im not the same person that I was a week ago. What I have thought and what I have done created a "problem" that I could no longer thrive with and in. The mind that created that existence can no longer maintain that existence. I have moved to a new mindset and hopefully I will not get so entrenched in that existence that it becomes once again, so terribly painful to move on. Spiritual growth has always been of prime importance to me. I support that in myself and every other soul I come in contact with.

Sound Of The World

When I was a child, I heard the world differently. I heard the world as it truly is. The sound unmistakable, the description of it impossible. It is the vibration containing all vibrations. It resonates in the soul. The spirit is not of this place, for to be so, it would not be spirit. It is the loudest most awesome silent sound the soul will ever hear. The heat of the mass can also be heard, as all wave lengths of light exist in this sound as well. It behaves and sounds as one massive entity. but is composed of infinitely minute particles held together by force. It breathes, it exhales. and it sleeps but it is always alive in its awareness of itself, for one part is always taking up for another, and so on, and so on. It is almost too much for a single sensed one to deal with. When I was a child, I listened.

Heart. Not Production

I quit! I am a heart artist, not a production artist. I have felt that feverishly whipping out art for the public to sell was the mark of a successful artist. Who am I whipping it out for? My public is not clamoring, and there is no production company waiting for my next piece so they can make money. By being feverish, I have given myself a fever and have made myself sick. I concluded that after reading just a few words of Wayne Dyers book "Theres A Spiritual Solution To Every Problem". Here are some excerpts.
"Surrender. This is first because it is the most crucial and often the most difficult. For those of us who have grown up believing life is a do-it-yourself project it is hard to admit that we need the help of many others just to survive for a day. In order to surrender you must be able to admit to being helpless. Thats right, helpless. In surrender, my thoughts are something like this: I simply do not know how to resolve this situation and I am turning it over to the same force that I turn my physical body over to every night when I go to sleep. When I plug into the material world, I receive the illusions of disharmony and actually have the results inside of me. I feel out of sorts, hurt, upset, anguished and hopeless in terms of being able to solve or correct my problem. When I am plugged in this way I struggle to attain false powers. This struggle inhibits me from receiving mystical or spiritual power. Defining empowerment only in material world terms is a reflection of being spiritually disconnected."
I walked away from this computer after my last blog deciding not to return, unless the spirit moved me. Also I have left my art go until the spirit moves me to continue it again. What has been my way of being, has not worked. I may end up homeless, owning nothing but my precious Lily. If that is my path, I accept it. I await what is to come with acceptance.

***

I am going to channel this because Im at my very lowest right now.Im just typing what comes out of my mind. I dont want to give up. But there comes a time when you just cant do any more. Go anymore.Im distressed to the bottom of my soul.In the end there will be knashing of teethe. I understand this now. There is no where to go with this frustration. My back is up against the wall. I apologise for usind this blog for this and asking people to read it. Im not sure how I feel about that. But you have to understand that this is all I have left. This is my last time to reach out in this way because I wont do it again. My disappointment with this world is destroying me. As I get older, it just gets worse. There has been no improvement for me ever. Whats going to change now? Im not young and pretty anymore and society largely views me as valueless. All I ever wanted was a chance. I cant wait anymore. The people in my life are undependable just as always. There is no tangible support for me anywhere or from anyone. Why should I expect anyone to care? If I were in the position to help people, I would. Why is that consideration not given to me? There really is no use in me trying anything anymore. Im like a car stuck in mud. The more I try to get out, the more deeper stuck and hopeless I become. I have hung in there more than most people would have, but I have my limits. Im done.Im so fuckin fed up and I cant even imagine any sort of good future for me. Im tired. Im so tired.

Later

This is a blog about how Im going to blog later, because I have to be somewhere right now, and Ill be gone for 3 hours.

End Of Poverty

I was reading an article about how to end poverty. Midway through it, I had to angrily and sadly throw it down. It stated that God loves me and all I have to do is trust this. I believe in God. I am not an athiest, but I got more uncomfortable as I continued to plough through the article. I wondered what was upsetting me so, and it hit me, I dont believe God loves me. I just couldnt swallow that idea. I dont feel it, I dont see it, I dont believe it. To me proof is in the pudding. Ive never been given pudding. To say to me that just being alive is proof God loves me, doesnt hold water. I havent been happy about being alive most of my life. So thats shot down. I suffer everyday dealing with depression and bi poler. You will say to me that Im exagerating. I am not. It is inpainful to be in this body, literally. I often think that if people knew how much pain I was in, they wouldnt understand how I can deal with it days upon days and not do myself in. I have to, because thats what I believe Im here for. To endure, for whatever crazy twisted reason God, or my high self has. Yes, this is what I believe. Also, I believe it is wrong to kill yourself.
How can I change this? Ive tried everything. My core belief is that my Father in heaven doesnt care enough about me to give me happiness. Everything that is given, is taken away, so I dont trust anything or anybody. I allowed myself to think that finally I got my reward, my house, after wanting a home all my life. I began trusting it that yes, this was really true. Then everything that could go wrong, did go wrong. No amount of praying did any good. Now Im back in the cesspool where I began. Talent has done me no good. Neither has intelligence done me any good. I just understand my pain more deeply and completely. Thats what any gifts I might have, has got me. It leaves me feeling dead and a fool for wanting anything.
If believing God loves me is the end of poverty, then I have a problem.

Waste Of Time?

Im sitting here in bed on a Sunday afternoon watching Bravo TV going into the fourth hour now. I just cant turn away. What the hell is this? Is this subliminal programming or hypnosis? This is sooo stupid and fascinating. Such a waste of time and educational. This what it has become for me. I love studying behavior, whether acted or genuine. You cant fool me as to what is real or fake about these shows, and I also cant walk away not learning something invaluable to me. Maybe for people who have had a full and experienced life in the positive, its a waste of time. But not for me. I didnt have what most people had growing up and this is how I learn about it. I dont know what a mother/daughter or father/daughter relationship is about. I dont know what its like to have a friend that youve had for years. I dont know what its like to grow up in one house with your own bedroom, go to one school, and have regular family get togethers. I was always the red headed step child on the perifferal, looking in on how the real people lived. The ones who were valued and were valuable. You can never know what this is like until you have lived it. Just as I didnt know what "they" had.
Im very good at absorbing feelings, my own, other peoples, whole crowds, the world even. So when I watch "reality TV", I am pretty much living vicariously through these strangers that I have come to know, and feel what they feel, somethings for the first time. There is absolutely no emotion that I cannot come to understand and I challenge anyone to test me on this. I can see life from every conceivable position. Out of a severe feeling of lack, came my intense desire to learn everything about everybody. Even though I can feel it, it isnt the same as actually lived it, so there still is alot of sadness that I didnt have the real thing. But Ive done what I can for myself and filled the coffers with whatever was at hand. Thats why Im still alive. There would have been no reason to live otherwise.

Tired Of Getting Cut Down

I am like a certain species of tree. Im a plantsmon, I can use this comparison. Trees thrive from a certain amount of toughness. Wind that doesnt knock them down makes their trunk stronger. A deluge makes its roots more tenacious. Drought prevents the roots from rotting and teaches it to conserve. Winter teaches it that the sun will shine again. Summer is its reward for persevering and is a time to just be.
There comes a time however, that the most determined of trees cannot fend off trouble and hardship. If it gets burned, its skin dies. If it gets attacked by countless insects to where there is no end, it will struggle pathetically until it becomes too much. If water never comes, it will wither and die. And it will suffocate in an endless amount of tears. Yes I am talking about me. To everything, there is its limit. I have fought long and hard. Im still standing. But life is tenuous at best. If this tree that is me doesnt see some nourishment, it will also surely die.

Cold As A Cucumber

Im sitting outside on my deck on this beautiful morning. Im gazing at everything that once filled me with happiness and pride. I feel nothing anymore. Just emptiness and wondering. Where did I go? Im a mannequin acting as if I am a live person. It is a good acting job, except theres not a damn thing going on inside. How many times have I had to do this to myself? To kill myself. I learned it when I was a baby so its more than I can even recall. All I know is that this dead feeling is all too familiar. To go from living and feeling to this dead hole is my expert accomplishment in life. And if all its done is keep me alive, I have to wonder was it worth learning. Where am I? Back where I started. I toured the world a little, got to know what it could be for me, and then its back home to Holesville, the place you always want to leave, but never can. I sit outside in the beauty I have created and feel nothing. It would kill me to do so. It all will be gone soon. This is how I take care of myself. I pull away, put out of my mind, stuff anything down and cover it up with anger and bitterness. Anger and bitternes makes a great lid to top off feelings that are never to see the light of day again. And dont be fooled by that damn carrot thats always being pimped in front of your face. The price for that carrot is too high for you to pay. The price is loving, happiness, and giving to others, which then will be promptly pulled out beneath you, leaving you stunned and feeling like a fool for paying the pimp AGAIN! It is making a deal with the devil and that never ends well. You can tell me it will get better and I ask you when? Im 56 and it has never gotten better. Just went from shades of grey to black again. Is that improvement? I really think Im cursed.

#*@#!!!! Happens

Shit happens and sometimes it doesnt get better. There isnt always something better waiting for you. Life does not give upgrades. It gives lessons. Some easy, others hard, and some impossible to deal with. Im not being a Debby Downer here, Im being realistic. I dont have a pair of rose colored glasses that so many well meaning people have. I love that people try to cheer you up. Its wonderful that they care. But however well meaning they are, they are just dead wrong 50% of the time. It doesnt mean that one should not try to stay positive and never give up. To the contrary, we are here to learn till we die, and that means, keep working. When one is on their last breath, let there be a lesson in that. I believe there is intelligence behind all this. I dont believe its totally the luck of the draw. Again I would say 50% of the time we can control life. But the other 50 has other plans. We came to the planet to learn and that is all. Thats all there is. That can be depressing just as looking at countless years of schooling can be depressing. Why do we do it? Because in some far advanced future we will have benefited just from the experience alone. After we die, we are not the same soul that entered the earthly body. We are changed, maybe not always better, but changed for sure. Weve learned something to add to the collective that is God. It really is a group effort, no matter how much you feel alone. Some lives are just bummers, like taking a career defining test. If you pass great, if not, try again. Jealousy of those who appear to have it better than you is wasted energy. Energy that is best used cracking open the book and studying, so that you will be ready when called upon. Time is infinite. Actually time doesnt even exist at all.
Am I rambling? I tend to do that when I talk about things unseen. Here it is: Realize that each person has their individualized lesson, and it is not for others to say it will get better. No one can know that and it is just empty words. It is for others to be a friend, an ear, able hands; supportive. Nothing more.

Grandma

Grandma was IT for me. She was the only one who loved me. She was the only one who gave a damn and tried her best to comfort me. I remember when I was about 4-6, she bought me a bunch of presents consisting of, a baby doll, a doll basinet, and acessories. This made the most profound impact on me. Someone cared to try to make me feel better. She got me things that no one else ever had, because she loved me. To me that doll and basinet became an achetypal image in my mind of comfort, love, and safety. Of HOME. Im thinking of it now and really missing my Grandma. Yes Ive been drinking, but I really do miss her. She has been my only idea of what safety is. I MISS HER SO MUCH!!!

Allow Me

Allow me now my time to rant, worry. and cry. Its my blog and I can cry if I want to. If you dont like it, shut up and dont read it. Do you sense something is a little askew? You must be psychic, because I dont know what Ive done to give it away. Sarcastic I am and a whole lot of mad. Ready to throw in the towel actually. Im trying to figure out how Im gonna live. Survive! Im out of money, my credit cards are maxed out, I bought a new truck for someone who I thought was going to get a job. Just the truck and insurance alone takes all my disability money. So it looks like I will have to live/hide in it. I can get a lunch weekdays. I can also take a sponge bath there. Weekends I fend for myself. Im going to have to think of safe places to park overnight. If you park in the nice neighborhoods, they call the cops on you. In a not nice neighborhood, they dont care and actually welcome you and your booty that they will help themselves to. How do I know this? Ive been here once before when I was forced out of my home by a man who was abusing me. I lived 3 weeks in my truck while working so I could save enough money for an apartment. Things were much better for me then. I was younger, not disabled, had my health, and a job. The only hope I have now is to sell my paintings consistantly enough to support myself. Oh and I forgot to mention, I cant take my art, use my computer, buy canvases and supplies, or have a place to paint, then store my work. I cant take anything with me except my dog whom Id rather die than to give her up.
Im losing my mind. Alot of people would just off themselves, prostitute and/or do drugs. Im going to survive and take what comes, and keep trying till its over. I have to because to do anything else is not me. Signing off for now. I have to go sulk awhile.

Enemies

Da Vinci question continued: How am I perceived by my worst enemy. I am not aware of any worst enemy. It doesnt mean that I am not percieved as that by someone. I know I have not done anything so terrible in my life to have acquired one. But that also doesnt mean there are one or more persons who are quite sure I did. I can think of one person right now that Ive been told, feels that way. That person has never said that to my face, so I really dont know. Its a failure on that persons part to honestly examine what happened and then trying to understand my position, and do some forgiving. I dont think in terms of having an enemy. An enemy comes out of a misunderstanding and an unwillingness to do anything about it. And it then grows into a big monster and involves many more people, sometimes whole nations. I know I have had many people be jealous of me. Maybe in their mind it makes them my enemy. More than anything it hurts me, because if they really knew me, I dont know how they could be jealous. I have as many faults as anyone, probably more. So again it comes from not wanting to examine the problem/issue. I know in my heart, I do not want to hurt anybody.
Maybe I should clarify what I just said. Its not true I dont wish ill on anyone. I do. Murderers, child molesters, animal abusers. To them I wish an eye for an eye. They did it to themselves.