Take It Somewhere, Make It Into Something

Sitting here, or rather I should say treading here, on the treadmill, feeling a wee bit sorry for myself. What can be learned from this. Ill be damned if I went through this misery for nothing. I am not a victim, even though time after time I would just love to throw in the proverbial towel and give up. To do that would be wasting a life of hard and constant learning putting me on the fast track to SOMEWHERE. You know that prized destination that we all strive for. The place where we can at last make sense of our existence here. Ive come this far and things should be falling into place like pieces of a puzzle. Every now and then I find a corner, there should be only four, right? It seems Ive found more corners than that and the picture should be more formed than it is. Be that as it may, I sit on my fanny, or treading as the case may be, looking for the next big clue. Where to go. What to do. I want to take it somewhere and make it into something. Ive put in my very impressive resume and now Im waiting for my call back. What do they say, a watched door never opens?
I have accumulated a vast amount of knowledge and experience in my life and Im ready to take it somewhere and make it into something. This life will not be for naught.

Saint Francis of Assisi

I know I wanted this blog to be about the trials and tribulations in the daily life of an artist dealing with bi polar disorder and a rotten upbringing. Im finding it hard most days to stay within the desired guidelines. Just as I strive to grow and learn everyday, so does my blog evolve, and in that respect I am accomplishing what I set out to do. Theres not much talk about being an artist or discussion on BPD. There is, however, flexibility here in expressing the unfoldment of me, wherever that goes. Wayne Dyer has been a Godsend to me. Reading his book has really reached a place inside that I thought I would never reach. Anger is leaving, being replaced with love. I am learning to replace all unproductive emotions and thoughts with love. I ask myself constantly, "What do I love"? Negative thoughts find it impossible to dwell in a mind contemplating on what it loves. Below is one of the most profound bit of writing of all time, and I never truly conceived of what it really meant, untill now.

Lord make me an instrument of thy peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is doubt, faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
Where there is sadness, joy.

O divine master, grant that I may not so much seek
To be consoled as to console,
To be understood as to understand,
To be loved as to love;
For it is in giving that we receive;
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
It is in dying to self that we are born to eternal life.

Saint Francis of Assisi

Be Honest With Myself

Im trying a new mental gig. At all times I strive to be honest with myself. No more telling myself I should or shouldnt be feeling this or that. It is, what it is. I am me, totally unique and different from anyone else. Ive been raised to believe in God. I do believe there is a God. I was taught that God loves me and is always with me. Here comes the honest part, I dont believe that. Whether it is or isnt true, that has not been my experience, yet. Im open to changing my mind or being proved wrong. I really want to be wrong. But I havent seen God or felt him in my life. You know what? Coming to terms with that has made me feel better. The reason I dont feel God around me isnt because I was naughty or am working off bad karma. Its because either Im too deaf, dumb, and blind to God, or that wonderful "thing" hasnt happened for me yet, whatever that "thing" is. Its not there in me. I dont trust, Im not hopeful, and I dont love everything. To me, not everything is of God.
I can tell you however, without hesitation or self deception, what I do love, what I unequivacally enjoy, and what never ceases to please me. It can be grand things like the wind, the ocean, nature. Or it can be stupid little stuff, that in the scheme of things dont even add up to a hill of beans, like my jeans are fitting and feeling so comfortable today, a nice large sized Rockstar and the buzz that it generates (I hope you know Im talking about the drink, and not a man animal), or just simply gazing at the back of my puppies head as she surveys her world. To me those things are priceless and gives me joy beyond measure. If thats God, then I have missed the gist of the lesson entirely. To me, that is heaven and if heaven can be had on earth, that is what Im looking for. Im looking at what is truthfully and rightfully mine, accepting it, claiming it, loving it, and shouting it from the highest mountain top.

No White Horse

I was born in poverty and chaos, but always had the ways of a Queen. I was never a joiner. Friends were less important than character. With the patience of Job, I knew my day would come. My favorite faery tale was Cinderella. I thought my prince would come only to realize he never existed, not in this world anyway. Just give me my own damn white horse.

It Is All I Thought I Had

It is all I thought I had, because that is all I heard. What prompted this statement? I was reading a very beautiful Facebook friends updates today, and not very surprised to see mostly men commenting on how beautiful and young she looked. Does that bother other women as much as that bothers me? Do you know why? Because for most of my life it is all I thought I had, because that is all I heard. Yes, from men mostly, but also women too. My whole worth was built on the foundation of my appearance and how young I was. Then later it became how young I was able to look, as I aged. Now, not so much. And yes, that leaves me feeling that I have no more worth if Im not able to any longer extract a complement out of a mans mouth. I am not even known to exist in their eyes. Why cannot a man look beyond his penis and into the heart and brain of a woman? The hormone arguement is not acceptable to me. We have hormones to learn how to control them and fit into a humane society. It is inhumane to judge something purely on how it looks, what it can do, how it can make you feel, or what it can do for you. That makes it an object devoid of any human significance or worth. I was always more flattered when complimented on my intelligence. Women have so much more to offer than how they look. Its a very intelligent man who knows this to be true. Next time men, think of something else to say other than a comment on appearance (if you can!)

I Cant Remember

I am haunted by images and feelings that have no faces, no meanings. I know who didnt like me but still I cant place their face as perpetrator. This is before time had meaning and thoughts were just pictures. Words werent fully known and not assigned to their rightful place in my mind. I hear crying, yelling, berating, some of it me. I remember being held under water in the bath tub and scared beyond imagination. I was beat repeatedly and there is no face to blame. I remember in my small mind pleading for mercy without words. Night after night I was held down in bed barely being able to breathe and as I always explain it, "climbing an endless wall of blankets". The nights were also time for nightmares and devils coming out of the black hallway, evil laughing from space somewhere. My mother was later identified as one of the perps, But I cant imagine she did it all, because I was hardly ever with her. She gave me to whoever would take me, a neighbor, an uncle, grandma, babysitter. I remember countless houses as plain as day, but not one thing that occured within them. I could take you to them even now if they still exist. How can I remember so clearly going there and nothing else? I know that my moms side of the family were all against me. I suffered constantly whenever I was with any one of them. I remember boredom, fear, and humiliation beyond measure. I would literally be physically ill when I was to be in their care. My stuffed animals became my protectors and I drowned in them at night. Maybe if the mean ones couldnt find me amongst all those animals, I would be OK. One in particular was my champion, a very large purple poodle that my good grandma gave me to hug when I was hurting. Purple poodle became my safety amulate against all evil and if I hugged it tight enough, maybe it would all go away. That poodle was the butt of many jokes and teasing by the mean ones. It hurt me to have purple poodle treated badly.
The images of things, some of them genital, haunt me still. I will wake up gasping for air with the kind of fear one would have just before death. It continued in life as panic attacks that had no end. The sadness too continued. I dont ever remember being truly and purely happy like childhood is supposed to be. This continued on as depression so deep and dark, I couldnt find my way out of it. Anger also developed later and I became the perpetrator to friends and animals. I tore up every baby doll I ever had because I hated them so much. But I knew this was wrong, so I removed myself from the stimulus and the situation. I was afraid of myself, afraid of what I might do, afraid of what I might become. Life was never normal for me and I dont even know what normal feels like. Everything I know today, I taught myself because there wasnt any help for me. Most people dont even know my history, and when they ask why I am this way, Im at a loss as what to say. Ive been judged, hated, and feared by people who dont even know me. Ive been punished for things I didnt do. And the depression is ever present.
Maybe something can be learned from this posting. Think again that a child wont remember something because theyre too little. Think again that even one bad incident wont haunt them for the rest of their life. Many will be left perplexed as to why they are the way they are, with no faces or meaning behind it. They will think they are just inherently bad and start living up to their self image. They will recieve outside reinforcement from everyone around them that yes, they are indeed very bad and strange. They wont be able to argue this point because they wont remember anything except nightmares and demons. Maybe my gift is to be a voice for these children.

Less Of Nothing

Most people my age are winding down, looking forward to retirement, wanting a smaller place and less things. They want a less hectic life that has more meaning rather than more responsibility and acquiring possessions. This is a very generalized statement and observation and not true for everyone. Its not true for me because I was just starting to wind up, to reap what my life experiences have taught me. I wasnt even close to achieving what my heart desired before it was all taken away. I feel now that Im getting tired and I really dont want to try achieving any longer. I have not reached my period of harvest, the crops failed again, and it will be a long hard winter to survive through until once again I may have another chance to succeed. Every time winter comes around I am less energetic, less enthusiastic, and possessing less patience and hope. Ive worked really hard just to keep it together. I got the house Ive wanted all my life and now Im sitting here stunned as to what to do and where to go. I know that I must keep going, keep doing, keep loving, keep breathing, and maybe if thats all I ever do in this life, it will be enough. The sadness never goes away though. I dont know how a person can have less than nothing.

Enemies?

"If we could read the secret history of our enemies we shall find in each man's sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility". Henry W. Longfellow
That is all I have to say today.

Hope, Then Lower Then Low

Why do I see hope one day, when I think my life could really amount to something, then go to even lower than the lowest, the day before? Sure Im bi poler, and that doesnt help anything, but its more than that. I have moments when I really dont think I can hang on any longer. I dont see a whole lot of other people around me walking the tightrope between life and death. I dont see them hanging on by their white knuckles on the most gigantic roller coaster in the world, the coaster that never stops. I just want to give up and say fuck you, lay down and die! Ive wasted my entire life by having hope something or someone was going to work out and when everything was all said and done, I would have been better off hitting the road with the first sign of a problem. And now its over with. Theres nothing left in the bank account, in the bank or my soul. Im overdrawn and I just cant do it anymore.

Dismissal Of Answers

"Dont dismiss as implausible spiritual answers that dont correspond to the way you want your life to be structured". This comes from a book by Wayne Dyer that Im currently reading. (I love Wayne!) There will be books and "spiritual" teachers that will tell you that you can manifest exactly what you want in life. I have not found this to be true. You can want what you want, but you will still be given what you need. To want something other than what you currently possess, changes things. It moves the energy, but it will be a different version of the same, and you probably wont like the process. If you can not be happy and at peace in your current situation, you will not recognise the spiritual answer that comes your way. It very well may be the poler opposite of what you had envisioned. You desired change and you were given the answer. We are like babies. The baby wants candy, but mom gives it healthy food. The baby may or may not like it, but it was hungry, and mom responded. It got what it needed for proper development, growth, and happiness. Our lower self will want many things that are not in our best interest to aid spiritual growth. We will never be happy until we realize this. "Dont dismiss as implausible spiritual answers that dont correspond to the way you want your life to be structured".

Life As I Know It

Life as I know it is over. Nothing can be the same again. Maybe it shouldnt be. Very few times in my life have I been stricken by this overwhelming fear of the unknown. Ive always been pretty brave and adventurous. This is life shattering. I felt this way when I was taken away from Grandma, when my mother died, and when the judge sent me to a mental institution when I was just 13. It is a death. I am about to die. I wont be able to do most things I love and that center me. I have my precious dog, and her worth has soared out of sight for me now. Shes my lifeline. And I know that one day, not that far away, I will have to say goodbye to her as well.