First Big One!

Made you look! I started my first big canvas. The subject is guess what: Did you say trees? You would be right. Its gonna be in pastel blues. Dont have a name yet. Which that leads me to explain why I seem to have a name, for a piece, sometimes even before I start it. Because I believe in the power of words. When you name something, you imbue it with its own energy. It helps me create a piece as it dictates to me what it wants to be. Its magic, and it compels a person to look, study, and gain insight. This is very powerful and should be taken seriously. Parents, be careful what you name your child.

No ones seen this

Just a quick update today. Im posting here, a work that escaped being documented. Something really different. It was one of my famous experiments. Named "I Hope You Dance", for the song. I like it quite well and want to do something similar again. It was fun too. Finished a collage today entitled "What I Love". And indeed it is what I love, trees and reflections in water. Will try to get it online today or tomorrow. This isnt Myspace so, smile icon!

Art News

Movement on the artistic front here finally. I feel like I have processed most of the pain of moving and now Im ready to turn to my art again. Ive bought two 24"x36" deep profile and gallery wrapped canvases. Got an unbelievable deal on them and I also got the only two that were left. A bit o' luck there. So now Im ready to possibly start a little bit different of a technique, partly because of the huge size of the canvases (biggest so far that Ive done), and cause I just want to. And when I just want to, Im gonna do it come hell or high water. It doesnt mean Im always pleased with the results, and thats my special way of learning. BUT, before I go experimenting on my nice canvases, Im going to do a 16"x20" first. And thats what Ive been doing today. Ive got the paper down and now its ready for paint. This is always my favorite, most exciting part of the process. I took a break to go for a ride in my new SUV, cause I wanted to. I love that truck so much, I will tag along with Marc just to do errands with him. I ride in the back with the puppies. Its not safe for them to ride in front. If an airbag deployed, it could be fatal for them. Anyway, dont have a name for the new one yet, but its trees again. Love, love, love trees! The big ones will also be trees. They are for a special show in the fall at a hospice. This show is well known around here, and from what Im told, hugely popular. It will be my first time doing it, and my first time shelling out some bucks just for the priveledge. And it is a priveledge. There can be a wait anywhere from 6 months to 2 years to get accepted. I got in in 6 months. Because its a hospice, they look for very specific genre, peaceful, beautiful, and happy subjects. I can do that!

Next Question

I will refer to my "How To Think Like Leonardo...." book, when Im at a loss for what to blog about. The question: What is one thing I could stop doing, or start doing, or do differently, starting today that would most improve the quality of my life?
Without question it is to lose weight. Not purely for vanity reasons (believe me, I am vane enough!), but for a whole myriad of other reasons. Health: cholesterol would go down, chances of heart attack reduced, and in every other way would it improve my health. Some days I feel horrible. Some days its even hard to breathe. And also the worry of what could go wrong due to weight would be gone.
Self esteem: Heres the vane thing again. I certainly would feel more like getting dressed up, putting on the spackle and war paint, and get out there in the world to do what needs to be done. Do what I want to do. I was thin all my life. I never had to worry about weight, could eat whatever I wanted and how much I wanted. At about 42, that gradually flew out the window. I started taking meds for bi poler then and some people will say thats why, I dont know. I cant stop the meds, so there has to be another solution.
I would feel better: not quite about health. I would feel lighter, brighter, have more energy, and I believe less depression. I might be able to truly love myself, probably for the first time in my life.
Clothes and dressing would no longer be an issue. I could shop anywhere again, throw anything on and look good, feel comfortable. I could be more in fashion, which I always was.
If I could stay on a diet, I would lose weight, plain and simple. Ive dieted and was indeed losing weight. My depression always got the better of me and I just couldnt stay on the plan. At least I knoe that its not impossible for me to lose weight. Thats a mountain climbed already. Many people dont believe this or there is a medical reason why weight cant be shed. Not a problem for me.
So, without a doubt, losing weight would be the single most thing that would improve my life the most. Ok, so where did I put that banana and beer diet book. lol

SOLD

The house has sold. What can I say, I was hanging in there till the last nano second. Dont know what comes next. I oughta be used to this upheaval by now. 56 years of upheaval. Why stop now! My financial situation is a joke, but Im not laughing. The minute I do, youre gonna have to put me in a straight jacket and let me cackle alone in a padded room. Been there too. One thing is for sure, Im a warrior. Im gonna take this to the end, force it off a cliff and spit on it for good measure. Might as well go down large. Dont have money for exhibition fees? Thats OK, we have to lose weight anyway. Dont have money to renew my art association membership? No problem, I got a penny jar I can cash in. Cant afford a canvas to start a large piece of art, (because large pieces are always the ones that get picked in contests), maybe Ill get lucky and find just the size Im looking for at a garage sale to paint over. Oh, but wait....the trucks presence may also be just a memory.
Did I want this life? Shit no! Did I choose to be on disability? Dammit, are you serious! Who would want to live like this? A warrior? An artist warrior? Maybe. Its not for everyone. Few could exist like this. But Im an artist as I live and breathe. I can still hold a brush and a pencil. Warrior artist armed with her brush and pencil. Well, Goliath was toast, wasnt he?

Maitreya and Deepok

I had an amazing dream last night. I went to a gathering of followers of a holy man, along with a female friend. Didnt know his name, but he was worshiped by many. He was like a yogi or buddha. We entered the room he was in and although there were hundreds of people there to see him (mostly female), He spent time with every one. I came upon him and he acknowlegded me as if he knew me. He was tall, light or white skinned, long black hair fixed to one side with flowers (very feminine), wearing a long white robe that also covered his neck, flowers about his head and neck, wonderful floral scent and purified air, and he appeared to be in his 20's or 30's. He didnt talk or communicate as most do, he either bowed his head and telepathically communicated, or said very few soft words. You would have to be very close to hear them. I told him my troubles, but he already knew what I was going to say. I had a sense that I was asking to be healed, not so much to have my problems solved. He was a very close talker, and when he began talking with my friend seated on the other side of me, he simply leaned over me to be close to her. This would have been very uncomfortable if this had been a normal human. But he had no weight, mass, or volumne to him. I felt extreme closeness, but no crushing weight. He got up to get something for me, and when he left the room, Deepak Chopra walked in and started counceling me. These two men were very loving, nothing at all like the men I have known. Their energy was more "feminine".
When I woke, I was very happy I had had this dream. I felt comforted and not alone. I have a book on deities and looked this man up the best I could. He definately was an eastern figure and after reading many different descriptions, I determined this was probably Maitreya.
Now this totally has to do with art, because I will have these dreams of people and things who want to be painted. I have always painted my dreams, and the other side knows this. It is presented to me in Its time. I am now going to paint Maitreya as He appeared to me.

Please Help Me God

I can hardley see to type, I cant see through the tears. I have no where else to go today other than this pathetic blog. Criticize me if you must, but its either this or have a grand anxiety attack. If you dont want to hear my pissing and moaning, Im warning you now, dont read this, because Im about to have a big pity party. Im going to ramble, so dont criticize content or grammer. This is for me, and you can watch if you want to. Why do difficult things always come clumped together. Im already bummed on my yearly bum date of fathers day. I didnt have a father and I have absolutely nothing to celebrate or appreciate. That biological mass of skin walking around in Wisconsin is my sperm doner. He molested me when I was a baby. He did nothing for me. He gave me no money, no food, no home, no mother, no attention, and no love. As a young adult, he quickly developed Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, than paranoia, and then all sorts of disorders too numerous to keep track off. (Just to make a note, the maybe buyers just walked in my front door, the other bad thing happening) Mr sperm bag stole from me, lied to me, and used me as income. I also inherited his lovely genes for mental illness. Right now Im so livid, I dont care what Im putting down. DONT CARE!!!!!!! I grew up not being able to celebrate father or mothers day. She died when I was 9, from a years long painful illness. And when she wasnt busy being sick, she was beating me. I really dont know why I miss her, but I do. Now Im losing the only home, the only stability I have ever had. No one realizes what a catastrophic event this is for me. You cant say something better is coming, because nothing ever did. This house was my good thing. And now my home will be gone AGAIN!!!! Im 56, I dont have much time left to "get happy". This was pretty much it. I am really starting to get mad at people telling me to get over it. They have not lived in my shoes. There is even so much more that I could say about my life that would shock you. But today Im concerned about my home. You just dont realize that this is literally all I have. Im not close to family, I cant work because I have BPD. I feel like a fly in a tornado. I have developed such a complex about "home" that this is a death to me. My security and my love is going again. It makes me feel like I dont deserve anything good, or to be loved and nurtured. I feel like such a scum bag. A total failure that doesnt even have the intelligence to stop trying to make things better. I feel like a FOOL. Why dont I give up. What is it gonna take to kill me. Im like the energizer bunny. Why doesnt that dam stinkin thing die? That thing in me that keeps me getting back up like a punching clown bag is an enigma. I totally dont understand it. Do I like pain? Why cant I give up? Im so totally awash in emotion, I dont know where to turn. My anxiety attacks started when I was 10. All I wanted was Grandma, and I was always being kept from her. When I didnt have Grandma, I couldnt breathe, my heart would explode with adrenaline, and I felt like I would catch on fire, I was so hot. I lived much of my adolesence and teenage years that way. Really wishing I could kill myself and make this world stop. Just stop. But because I had developed a morbid fear and phobia of death, I had to stay and struggle. I AM NOT EXAGERATING!!!! To live was painful! In my 20's, I was starting to get a handle on it a little bit, or maybe I was just getting used to it, I dont know. All I know was life became barely bearable. The feeling I have for my home is the same feeling I had for Grandma. My survival depended upon it. Its all being brought up again. This house is Grandma. I named my business after her home. I named my dog after her. She was the only person who loved me deeply. I really credit her singularly for saving my life. I would have just died from what they call "failure to thrive". Babies will die if they dont get love. I never had it from the very beginning. I really wanted to keep this blog business related, but I am my business. My life has made me who I am. This is my identity, just as my home was. All tied in to Grandma, Gardener Park, home, Lily, artist, me. I stated in the beginning of this blog, that it would be about me being an artist with BPD living in Gardener Park. So how could I not include this? Its my reality.

New Venture

I am selling my art that is printed on various products, such as mugs, cards, shirts, aprons, dog clothing, mouse pads, etc.... In a little while I will be offering prints and posters, suitable for framing. Theres quite a bit of work to be done before that will be available. The site is http://gardenerparkart.blogspot.com/. Hopefully this might help me save my home.

Am I A Feminist?

If you want ideas and odd thoughts come streaming into your mind, just work up a sweat on the treadmill while listening to favorite music. I thought about finding a Remi music video to post. Then I remember a question that I was recently asked. Am I a feminist? Let me say right now that I dont like the misconceptions of that label. Yes, I am a feminist, and let me explain that. I support the feminine. The feminine in women, in girls and boys, in men, in nature, in the world. To me this word equates with unconditional love, nurturing all good and peaceful things, and against hate and destruction. This world is masculine totally, except for nature who is desperately hanging on to the last vestiges of feminine energy. We will see the wrath of the feminine soon, when she calls us by our full name. When we hear our three (or in some cases more than three) word name, just as when we were a child, we will know we are really in trouble now. The feminine uses her all-encompassing awesome power when her domain and her peoples lives are threatened. We are poking the tiger folks!

How To Think Like Leonardo.

Im currently reading a book titled, "How To Think Like Leonardo da Vinci, Seven Steps To Genius Every Day," by Michael J. Gelb. Great book to read when in a slump or just cuz ya like Leo. Thought Id share an exercise or two in this blog. In part two, it asks you to ponder 10 questions. The first one is: When am I most naturally myself? What people, places, and activities allow me to feel most fully myself?
I am most myself during more than just one thing happening, all of them equal. In nature, in a lush green setting, especially in my garden. The weather though, is important for my enjoyment. It must be cooler, clean, and fresh. All bets are off in weather above 80". I have some weird disorder dealing with sun, heat, and humidity. Growing plants from seed to tree gives me great pleasure. I am most like myself around my boyfriend, who allows me to be me, no matter what or who Im channeling. I am not that way around anyone else. I love animals and am able to enter their energy. I love all creatures. I love dogs, especially my Maltese, Lily. She accepts me in all of my incarnations. Music puts me in a beautiful world, where there is no pain, hate, or sadness, only understanding. Dancing is a whole body expression for me. If things had been different when I was young, I would have been a dancer. That about covers it. All those things are are deeply loved and treasured by me. Yes, this is a good book!

Youre Wrong!!!!!

Watching Michele Lindsey on In Session on TRU TV. I can not believe how she has just set back the understanding of bi poler a century! You do not get lost in voices that tell you to do something you would not normally do! That is schizophrenia, a far more serious mental illness! Bi poler is the inability to stay in a balanced mood! You tend to either be depressed, or manic, which means excitation. You can do crazy things when manic, but you are not told to hurt people! Two of the most common manifestations of the mania is overspending, and a huge amount of energy which causes you to lose sleep and get an amazing amount of stuff done. I wish people would discern between the brain disorders before lumping everyone into a labeled crazy or homocidal group. Right now Im so mad I could spit! Would you want someone to think youre an asshole because you always ignore everyone? OR Would you want them to know the real reason you dont respond to people sometimes, like maybe because you are deaf? I can compare that to being misjudged about a mental illness!!!!!!!!! Thankyou Michele for nothing!

Judging Your Work.

Im reading a book on da Vinci. He went through certain criteria while judging his work. I found out Ive done all but one of the things he suggested, and thats look at your art in a mirror. It will appear as if someone else rendered it. You can see if its unbalanced either in design, or color. You will see something that doesnt make sense if it exists, or is not pleasing to the eye. Its just like we never see ourselves how we really are and how others see us, because were looking in a mirror. da Vinci says that you will also be more critical if the piece does not appear to be your own. Ill have to say that one point isnt true for me, because Im my own worst critic.
Also, if you are getting frustrated, put away your work for a time, and then come back to it. I do this all the time. Alot of times I put it away and thats the last I see of it. Im not suggesting you do that!
Look at your painting from a distance, long and shorter distance. Can you see it? Can you see what it is? The larger the piece, the better you should be able to see it from across a room. Think of it as if its hanging in a gallery, and someone is walking by the store window. If they glance at it, will it catch their eye? If its not abstract, will they know what the subject is? I started doing this by default, because I walk away so frequently, alot of times in disgust. So Im looking at it real far away often.
Live with it. Whether finished, or not, put it up and pretend its your little stalker painting. It should follow you to the bedroom, when youre watching TV, etc.... You will see it differently in different light, in different moods, while drunk(just kidding). You will be surprised at how a problem will become solved because you have put your subconscious to work on it. Ask yourself, "what can I do with this"? In my case, I always get an answer.
If you want to read about one of the most fascinating people in history, the story of da Vinci's life should be on your list. Hope everyone is having a great weekend.

Too sensitive for my own good?

Yes!

Cant stop the tears

When faced with degradation of the environment and the brutality against animals, I cannot help but cry. Its so visceral, it affects me to my core. I have a whole body reaction, not just tears. It might as well be me that is being destroyed. I dont separate myself from other forms of life. I am them, and they are me. I would put myself right in the fray of things, if it didnt nearly incapacitate me. I fall into a deep angry depression, and I dont like how it makes me feel. I always wondered, if ever faced with a life or death situation, how much trouble I would get into. Not concerning my own safety, but, getting into trouble with the law. When Im righteously wrylled, I have no fear. Its do or die. That concerns me somewhat. You wont see me with Green Peace in the ocean saving whales, anymore than you will see me working in an animal shelter. I feel TOO much, and Im being responsible by keeping myself out of it. I choose to leave the more unsavory work to those who can handle it and themselves. I cant listen to songs associated with the death of anything, and I have to change the channel on the TV when these things are being talked about and shown. The You Tube videos I post on Facebook, I dont watch. I just want to send them into the ethers hoping some strong soul can actually do something about it. Ive been depressed most of my life and sensitive all of my life. I got hysterical at seven years of age, when a storm was destroying my zinnia I planted. I watched in horror out the window, as hail and wind pummeled it. If I had the choice, I would choose not to be this sensitive, always seeing the nasty under belly of things.

Unrecognizable

That is what my life has become. Every one of my plans have been scrapped. Some of it literally on the junk heap. I had to come up with something quick, to take their place, in order to prevent me going crazy or going dead. What is important to me, I asked myself. Down to the bare tacks, what must I have? I HAVE to create! The easiest and most available mode of expression is fine art. I had many other creative ideas, but they cant be. I have to have good food, a reasonable roof over my head, transportation, and most importantly, love. I can manage that. Im a sagittarius and I had great wide reaching plans, all of which were very important to me. Its a sad thing to watch a sag. deflate. The wind is enough to blow everyone over. When the wind is gone, what you see is a sad tearful clown, no more jokes, no more of anything exciting. I cant go into my garden without falling into a deep depression. I have to have Marc water it for me. I cant even do that.
With that said, I must cut to the chase and do things I would never have done before. Example: move all the exercise equipment into the living room. It just makes more sense for many reasons. Doing that before would have insulted my visual sensitivity. Im all about beauty. Without it, that sad clown comes out. Thats just one example, and new plans are unfolding everyday. I dont even know when I have to be out of here, or where I will go. I havent a clue. Unfortunately, I am all to used to this scenario. It has dogged me all my life. I thought I could settle down once and for all. Life had other plans.

The Owls Cry

Strange snow falling from the sky
Trees falling as I fly by
Its not rain, its wooden snow
My homes gone, no where to go

Deconstruction

Because of the great loss of my home, which has caused me inconsolable grief, Ive had to rearrange the furniture in my mind. Tear down dreams, paint over loves, and live in a different space. Even though I am still here for as long as October, Im in a different place. I ve decided to take the dive into the deep end and live, work, breathe artist. I live in my studio. The studio is my home. Anything that is not in line with this new world is gone. My ideal plan is portrayed here, above. Ive deconstructed the home that Ive known and started to put together a studio. Even if the rare miracle happens that the bank will allow us to stay, these plans will continue. Where I hang my hat, I will hang the sign that says "GARDENER PARK". It is my identity. The studio is now an entity. No, I dont want to leave. I dont want to leave more than anything. It has felt like my guts were being ripped out, especially because of my beautiful garden that I have worked so hard to create. But above all, I AM AN ARTIST. Nails are going up on every wall along with a painting, finished or not. The house is being arranged for ease of operation of the business. What was a living room is now an office. Boxes are packed with things I may or may not get rid of, and stacked in a corner. If it is not in line with my vision, it is out of my sight. Garage sale items are lined up in the garage and ready for new owners. What I see for the future is all I see now. Im still going to cry, but even if we are allowed to stay this vision remains a reality.

Everything But Soup

You know the saying, "everything but the kitchen sink"? Well when I get back logged with odds and ends of veggies, I throw everthing in a big pot with some chicken and make soup. Things like parsley, that you bought a whole bunch just to use a few sprigs, or celery that always goes limp in the fridge. Cucumbers, bell peppers, spinach, lettuce, etc., throw it in there and you will end up with not only a tasty soup, but very healthful too. You can add extras like salt, boullion, cream. I added buttermilk at the end. You can eat it chunky, or liquify it in the blender for a creamy soup. Just remember to take the chicken out before you blend it, because liquid chicken is nasty. I know. You could even add pasta or dried beans, whatever.
How is this art? Its the art of cooking. Besides, I will be sharing alot of creative and crafty things in this blog. This blog is about the artist who lives in Gardener Park and my life is about alot of other things other than just art.

Exciting Dream

This dream is recently becoming a new recurring dream. Last night it was very exciting. A new player appeared. A lady ghost. Just saw her shadow, but I know she was wearing an old time long dress. I wasnt afraid, was happy to see her. I knew of her because I had just moved into her house with everything still in it, not touched since she died. There was room after room to explore and play in, filled with wonderful antiques. If you know me, thats what gets my blood a flowin. I had been waiting for her family to come and get her things, but realized no one was going to come. All this beautiful stuff was mine by default. I began picking out items and putting together vignettes of my favorite pieces. I was thinking this was just too good to be true. But it was true!
I would love to try to portray this feeling in a painting, as I so often do with my dreams. But then that old bug a boo parent in my head says, "You should finish all the other paintings that you started. You have more unfinished things than finished". This comes through as a most unpleasant whiney sound in my head. I hate that voice. I rarely listen to it though. That doesnt mean I dont feel guilt. I do, and then some. The guilt is whats paralysing.
Anyway, I know what it means. Im really good at dream interpretation, so I wont even get into that. I just didnt want to wake up, but my puppy wanted something or another. Lets hope I can go there again tonight!

Trying to find my way through

Being bi poler, and being it on mostly the depressive side, it is a constant battle to stay balanced. I really am not balanced hardly ever. Its more like Im either on my way up, or on my way down. That golden balance point is rarely achieved for long. It is a very hard day for me today, and Im doing everything I can think of to get out of it. Reading a book that has something to do with what Im going through is one of those fixes.Today Im reading the Hormone Connection by Gale Maleskey and Mary Kittel, a Prevention Health Book. It tells me to take certain vitamins, minerals, and nutrients, which I do. And also I read a section about being too sensitive. That would be me, and all of my life I was that. It says Im in a position of emotional leadership! Hows That! Wow, makes me feel good. I never looked at it that way. It also goes on to say that I notice more subtleties and process information more deeply. And I thought that was a bad thing. I now see this as a gift and an asset. Theres nothing I enjoy more than drawing someone out of their emotional shell. To share the human experience honestly and totally. I seem to be able to do that in all cases, even the tough nuts that are hard to crack. This is a precious gift and I have suffered terribly in my life so that I could fine tune it even more. This section on sensitivity was an excerpt in the above mentioned book taken from The Highly Sensitive Person, by Elaine N. Aron, Ph.D.
In trying to keep this somewhat art related, I will say Ive been working on a bluebird watercolor painting, and its taking forever to complete. It should take 3 days at the very most. But Im dealing with this mood disorder that affects every aspect of my life. Ill keep whacking away on it and will share it when its done. Now back to my book.

Gardener Park is derived from my grandparents residence, the only real home I ever knew. It was a place of love, security, and freedom. In this blog I hope to share my life experiences with being bi poler, an artist, a survivor, a child, and and a hopeful spirit.I am alot of things and this isnt just going to be about art, even though it is the reason Im doing this at all. It is about the whole person, me, Ellary, warts and beauty marks. I plan to share lifes general experiences, along with art projects, recipes, gardening, thoughts on nutrition especially as it applies to depression, my love of animals, my dog Lily, my boyfriend Marc, and being a multiple trauma and cancer survivor. I want to share my funnies, my hard times, creative times, tearful times. I am an open book and am not afraid to tell all. So be patient with me, this is my first blog. Here we go........