Invisable

I love my dog for many reasons, one of them being she makes me feel like God. Shes the only living thing on earth that ever has and ever will make me feel that way. Human beings, especially the ones who know you the best, have a way of not seeing potential in you. They tend not to notice your abilities and talents, and also what hurts your feelings. All I ask is to be equal in my unique abilities that I can bring to the table. I have no desire to lord it over anyone. This especially becomes evident when dealing with men. Maybe I dont have enough self confidence when it comes to feeling equal. Maybe I truly dont believe it, but I dont think that is it. Men are used to being front and center, and women revolving around them. At best I feel like I offer "a womans touch"! Ouch! I hate being told that or even being made to feel that way. I am a complete human with my own ideas, accomplishments, and talents. I have a desire to share equally with my fellow human beings. The days of being put down, or putting myself down are long gone. But what do you do when youre pretty much stuck in a situation that is not easily escaped from. Do I have to start "manhandling" affairs, raise my voice and bitch? Thats exactly what I would become known as, a bitch. I am not a female dog, and maybe we could as a society, lose that word, and come up with another descriptive word for a strong female.
Ive let this feeling of mine rule how Ive started signing my work. I dont write my name, like I have a right to and be proud of. I write initials, cloaking myself as gender neutral. I think most people viewing my work, not knowing my gender, would assume it was created by a male. Just as doctors are assumed to be male. Thank God thats starting to change. But because my work is so good, I believe it is seen as male. Hey, Ill take it, Im not that proud. Besides it gives me great pleasure in watching and listening to peoples reactions when they find out Im a woman. But it would be nice to say, "Hello, Im Ellary Branden. Im an artist and a woman".

Watching And Waiting

Lily got a bath today and I was sitting out on the deck in the sun with her while she dried. When I sit out there and look around, nothing is familiar to me anymore. It is all strange just as my new life will be strange. I have so totally disengaged myself from what meant anything and everything to me. I might as well be on another planet. Have I anesthetized myself to avoid the relentless pain that has overtaken my life. Is this shock? It must be because Im calm and not feeling much of anything. I look out into the world everyday with pleading longing eyes, just hoping to catch a glimpse of what is to be for me. Please let it be kind. I feel like a murderer who has been tried and is waiting sentencing. Crying about it wouldnt do any good because you are locked away in your cell for what seems like forever and maybe your sentence will be light, or maybe your sentence will be death. Its totally up to those jurers who sat in judgement of you, not knowing who you were or where you came from. Sitting there in their high chairs looking down upon a pitiful mess that is you. This wouldnt even be so terrible if I were guilty but....oh, by the way, did I mention I was innocent. And I have no idea why this has come down on my head. I look at other peoples faces and there is no connect. Their world is as safe as its going to be and they dont want to go there with me and my pain. They havent got a clue as to what is really going on. Ive been telling them, but they dont hear. I tend to believe that they think Im a consumate actress bent on hysterics and drama. If anyone should be used to this scenario it would be me, because I know it so well. But Im tired and I would like a vacation, maybe even retire from constant injury to my soul. Im asking; God help me! Right now I would settle for a small apartment I can afford. That would seem like manna from heaven.

Afraid To Offend

When talking to a blind man, you watch what you say. Why is that? He's not watching you.

Channeling

Ive never done this process for anyone else to read. It was always written in my journal for my own personal way of dealing with very bad circumstances in my life. But I didnt used to blog either so, I will give it a try here and now. I hope I can get over the mental block of knowing this will be seen and offered up for scrutiny by anyone who cares to read this. When I channel, I try not to censor what the answers to my questions are. Here we go.
How can my time be best used right now?
Being prayerful throughout your day. Keep your center as the inner sanctum of a spinning top. The world is all a rush around you, but you are centered in that undisturbed vortex. You see the spinning, but remain unreactive to it because where you exist, it is still.
How do I accomplish this?
By realizing that you cannot own anything, you cannot be something that you are not, you didnt bring it with you, and you cant take it with you. Spirit does not possess matter or ego. To know this, to study this, is how peace can be found and maintained. Isnt your question really, "How can I find peace?"

Keep Moving

I dont mean by this, keep moving your stuff or place. I mean keep moving, keep eating, keep walking, keep laughing, keep talking, keep meeting, and yes, if you must, keep crying. Movement is key to growth and healing. It is speeding up your vibration so that you will see happiness and answers when they come your way. If you are stagnant, you also will still see. But it will be one constant problem after another that will come your way. Nature does not reward stagnation. Even stagnation cannot remain so. We look at a cesspool of water, and its not moving. But in the higher vibration organisms are busy breaking something down that is toxic, into something fresh and renewed. A dead body isnt moving and by all appearances its the end, no more life. What looks like decay is life, constant movement, to make a problem into a solution. Whether you decide to or not, nature will eventually correct your inactivity with this same process of so called "breaking down". Or you can choose to be the initiate and be the driver, opening up new and fresh possibilities. In Wayne Dyers book, "Theres A Spiritual Solution To Every Problem", he states, "When you live exclusively in the slowed down, solid-appearing world, you encounter slowed-down, solid appearing circumstances, that we define as problems". This is a great book and is exactly what I need right now. Thankyou garage sale!

For Change, You must Change

I have recently become reaquainted with Patanjali, a mystic living thousands of years ago. It was through a Wayne Dyers book, that I remembered my inner introduction to Patanjali. He came to me in meditation, but I was not ready for his teachings. Sometimes the teacher comes before the ego is ready to accept. But I always remembered him. He never left me. And now I take to heart that which was offered. To study his five aphorisms is life changing. That comes about by changing your mind. I quote Wayne Dyer; "As you face a problem, remind yourself that you created it with one mind, and you will solve it with another." This one statement is a paradigm shift in thought for me. I realized, that is how I have survived. I changed. I changed from Jane to Ellary, from scared to fearless, from sad to jovial, from concerned and involved to indifferent and evolved. People in my life have not recognized me from one moment to the next, not because Im so unremarkable, but because I change.i
Im not the same person that I was a week ago. What I have thought and what I have done created a "problem" that I could no longer thrive with and in. The mind that created that existence can no longer maintain that existence. I have moved to a new mindset and hopefully I will not get so entrenched in that existence that it becomes once again, so terribly painful to move on. Spiritual growth has always been of prime importance to me. I support that in myself and every other soul I come in contact with.

Sound Of The World

When I was a child, I heard the world differently. I heard the world as it truly is. The sound unmistakable, the description of it impossible. It is the vibration containing all vibrations. It resonates in the soul. The spirit is not of this place, for to be so, it would not be spirit. It is the loudest most awesome silent sound the soul will ever hear. The heat of the mass can also be heard, as all wave lengths of light exist in this sound as well. It behaves and sounds as one massive entity. but is composed of infinitely minute particles held together by force. It breathes, it exhales. and it sleeps but it is always alive in its awareness of itself, for one part is always taking up for another, and so on, and so on. It is almost too much for a single sensed one to deal with. When I was a child, I listened.

Heart. Not Production

I quit! I am a heart artist, not a production artist. I have felt that feverishly whipping out art for the public to sell was the mark of a successful artist. Who am I whipping it out for? My public is not clamoring, and there is no production company waiting for my next piece so they can make money. By being feverish, I have given myself a fever and have made myself sick. I concluded that after reading just a few words of Wayne Dyers book "Theres A Spiritual Solution To Every Problem". Here are some excerpts.
"Surrender. This is first because it is the most crucial and often the most difficult. For those of us who have grown up believing life is a do-it-yourself project it is hard to admit that we need the help of many others just to survive for a day. In order to surrender you must be able to admit to being helpless. Thats right, helpless. In surrender, my thoughts are something like this: I simply do not know how to resolve this situation and I am turning it over to the same force that I turn my physical body over to every night when I go to sleep. When I plug into the material world, I receive the illusions of disharmony and actually have the results inside of me. I feel out of sorts, hurt, upset, anguished and hopeless in terms of being able to solve or correct my problem. When I am plugged in this way I struggle to attain false powers. This struggle inhibits me from receiving mystical or spiritual power. Defining empowerment only in material world terms is a reflection of being spiritually disconnected."
I walked away from this computer after my last blog deciding not to return, unless the spirit moved me. Also I have left my art go until the spirit moves me to continue it again. What has been my way of being, has not worked. I may end up homeless, owning nothing but my precious Lily. If that is my path, I accept it. I await what is to come with acceptance.

***

I am going to channel this because Im at my very lowest right now.Im just typing what comes out of my mind. I dont want to give up. But there comes a time when you just cant do any more. Go anymore.Im distressed to the bottom of my soul.In the end there will be knashing of teethe. I understand this now. There is no where to go with this frustration. My back is up against the wall. I apologise for usind this blog for this and asking people to read it. Im not sure how I feel about that. But you have to understand that this is all I have left. This is my last time to reach out in this way because I wont do it again. My disappointment with this world is destroying me. As I get older, it just gets worse. There has been no improvement for me ever. Whats going to change now? Im not young and pretty anymore and society largely views me as valueless. All I ever wanted was a chance. I cant wait anymore. The people in my life are undependable just as always. There is no tangible support for me anywhere or from anyone. Why should I expect anyone to care? If I were in the position to help people, I would. Why is that consideration not given to me? There really is no use in me trying anything anymore. Im like a car stuck in mud. The more I try to get out, the more deeper stuck and hopeless I become. I have hung in there more than most people would have, but I have my limits. Im done.Im so fuckin fed up and I cant even imagine any sort of good future for me. Im tired. Im so tired.

Later

This is a blog about how Im going to blog later, because I have to be somewhere right now, and Ill be gone for 3 hours.

End Of Poverty

I was reading an article about how to end poverty. Midway through it, I had to angrily and sadly throw it down. It stated that God loves me and all I have to do is trust this. I believe in God. I am not an athiest, but I got more uncomfortable as I continued to plough through the article. I wondered what was upsetting me so, and it hit me, I dont believe God loves me. I just couldnt swallow that idea. I dont feel it, I dont see it, I dont believe it. To me proof is in the pudding. Ive never been given pudding. To say to me that just being alive is proof God loves me, doesnt hold water. I havent been happy about being alive most of my life. So thats shot down. I suffer everyday dealing with depression and bi poler. You will say to me that Im exagerating. I am not. It is inpainful to be in this body, literally. I often think that if people knew how much pain I was in, they wouldnt understand how I can deal with it days upon days and not do myself in. I have to, because thats what I believe Im here for. To endure, for whatever crazy twisted reason God, or my high self has. Yes, this is what I believe. Also, I believe it is wrong to kill yourself.
How can I change this? Ive tried everything. My core belief is that my Father in heaven doesnt care enough about me to give me happiness. Everything that is given, is taken away, so I dont trust anything or anybody. I allowed myself to think that finally I got my reward, my house, after wanting a home all my life. I began trusting it that yes, this was really true. Then everything that could go wrong, did go wrong. No amount of praying did any good. Now Im back in the cesspool where I began. Talent has done me no good. Neither has intelligence done me any good. I just understand my pain more deeply and completely. Thats what any gifts I might have, has got me. It leaves me feeling dead and a fool for wanting anything.
If believing God loves me is the end of poverty, then I have a problem.

Waste Of Time?

Im sitting here in bed on a Sunday afternoon watching Bravo TV going into the fourth hour now. I just cant turn away. What the hell is this? Is this subliminal programming or hypnosis? This is sooo stupid and fascinating. Such a waste of time and educational. This what it has become for me. I love studying behavior, whether acted or genuine. You cant fool me as to what is real or fake about these shows, and I also cant walk away not learning something invaluable to me. Maybe for people who have had a full and experienced life in the positive, its a waste of time. But not for me. I didnt have what most people had growing up and this is how I learn about it. I dont know what a mother/daughter or father/daughter relationship is about. I dont know what its like to have a friend that youve had for years. I dont know what its like to grow up in one house with your own bedroom, go to one school, and have regular family get togethers. I was always the red headed step child on the perifferal, looking in on how the real people lived. The ones who were valued and were valuable. You can never know what this is like until you have lived it. Just as I didnt know what "they" had.
Im very good at absorbing feelings, my own, other peoples, whole crowds, the world even. So when I watch "reality TV", I am pretty much living vicariously through these strangers that I have come to know, and feel what they feel, somethings for the first time. There is absolutely no emotion that I cannot come to understand and I challenge anyone to test me on this. I can see life from every conceivable position. Out of a severe feeling of lack, came my intense desire to learn everything about everybody. Even though I can feel it, it isnt the same as actually lived it, so there still is alot of sadness that I didnt have the real thing. But Ive done what I can for myself and filled the coffers with whatever was at hand. Thats why Im still alive. There would have been no reason to live otherwise.

Tired Of Getting Cut Down

I am like a certain species of tree. Im a plantsmon, I can use this comparison. Trees thrive from a certain amount of toughness. Wind that doesnt knock them down makes their trunk stronger. A deluge makes its roots more tenacious. Drought prevents the roots from rotting and teaches it to conserve. Winter teaches it that the sun will shine again. Summer is its reward for persevering and is a time to just be.
There comes a time however, that the most determined of trees cannot fend off trouble and hardship. If it gets burned, its skin dies. If it gets attacked by countless insects to where there is no end, it will struggle pathetically until it becomes too much. If water never comes, it will wither and die. And it will suffocate in an endless amount of tears. Yes I am talking about me. To everything, there is its limit. I have fought long and hard. Im still standing. But life is tenuous at best. If this tree that is me doesnt see some nourishment, it will also surely die.

Cold As A Cucumber

Im sitting outside on my deck on this beautiful morning. Im gazing at everything that once filled me with happiness and pride. I feel nothing anymore. Just emptiness and wondering. Where did I go? Im a mannequin acting as if I am a live person. It is a good acting job, except theres not a damn thing going on inside. How many times have I had to do this to myself? To kill myself. I learned it when I was a baby so its more than I can even recall. All I know is that this dead feeling is all too familiar. To go from living and feeling to this dead hole is my expert accomplishment in life. And if all its done is keep me alive, I have to wonder was it worth learning. Where am I? Back where I started. I toured the world a little, got to know what it could be for me, and then its back home to Holesville, the place you always want to leave, but never can. I sit outside in the beauty I have created and feel nothing. It would kill me to do so. It all will be gone soon. This is how I take care of myself. I pull away, put out of my mind, stuff anything down and cover it up with anger and bitterness. Anger and bitternes makes a great lid to top off feelings that are never to see the light of day again. And dont be fooled by that damn carrot thats always being pimped in front of your face. The price for that carrot is too high for you to pay. The price is loving, happiness, and giving to others, which then will be promptly pulled out beneath you, leaving you stunned and feeling like a fool for paying the pimp AGAIN! It is making a deal with the devil and that never ends well. You can tell me it will get better and I ask you when? Im 56 and it has never gotten better. Just went from shades of grey to black again. Is that improvement? I really think Im cursed.

#*@#!!!! Happens

Shit happens and sometimes it doesnt get better. There isnt always something better waiting for you. Life does not give upgrades. It gives lessons. Some easy, others hard, and some impossible to deal with. Im not being a Debby Downer here, Im being realistic. I dont have a pair of rose colored glasses that so many well meaning people have. I love that people try to cheer you up. Its wonderful that they care. But however well meaning they are, they are just dead wrong 50% of the time. It doesnt mean that one should not try to stay positive and never give up. To the contrary, we are here to learn till we die, and that means, keep working. When one is on their last breath, let there be a lesson in that. I believe there is intelligence behind all this. I dont believe its totally the luck of the draw. Again I would say 50% of the time we can control life. But the other 50 has other plans. We came to the planet to learn and that is all. Thats all there is. That can be depressing just as looking at countless years of schooling can be depressing. Why do we do it? Because in some far advanced future we will have benefited just from the experience alone. After we die, we are not the same soul that entered the earthly body. We are changed, maybe not always better, but changed for sure. Weve learned something to add to the collective that is God. It really is a group effort, no matter how much you feel alone. Some lives are just bummers, like taking a career defining test. If you pass great, if not, try again. Jealousy of those who appear to have it better than you is wasted energy. Energy that is best used cracking open the book and studying, so that you will be ready when called upon. Time is infinite. Actually time doesnt even exist at all.
Am I rambling? I tend to do that when I talk about things unseen. Here it is: Realize that each person has their individualized lesson, and it is not for others to say it will get better. No one can know that and it is just empty words. It is for others to be a friend, an ear, able hands; supportive. Nothing more.

Grandma

Grandma was IT for me. She was the only one who loved me. She was the only one who gave a damn and tried her best to comfort me. I remember when I was about 4-6, she bought me a bunch of presents consisting of, a baby doll, a doll basinet, and acessories. This made the most profound impact on me. Someone cared to try to make me feel better. She got me things that no one else ever had, because she loved me. To me that doll and basinet became an achetypal image in my mind of comfort, love, and safety. Of HOME. Im thinking of it now and really missing my Grandma. Yes Ive been drinking, but I really do miss her. She has been my only idea of what safety is. I MISS HER SO MUCH!!!

Allow Me

Allow me now my time to rant, worry. and cry. Its my blog and I can cry if I want to. If you dont like it, shut up and dont read it. Do you sense something is a little askew? You must be psychic, because I dont know what Ive done to give it away. Sarcastic I am and a whole lot of mad. Ready to throw in the towel actually. Im trying to figure out how Im gonna live. Survive! Im out of money, my credit cards are maxed out, I bought a new truck for someone who I thought was going to get a job. Just the truck and insurance alone takes all my disability money. So it looks like I will have to live/hide in it. I can get a lunch weekdays. I can also take a sponge bath there. Weekends I fend for myself. Im going to have to think of safe places to park overnight. If you park in the nice neighborhoods, they call the cops on you. In a not nice neighborhood, they dont care and actually welcome you and your booty that they will help themselves to. How do I know this? Ive been here once before when I was forced out of my home by a man who was abusing me. I lived 3 weeks in my truck while working so I could save enough money for an apartment. Things were much better for me then. I was younger, not disabled, had my health, and a job. The only hope I have now is to sell my paintings consistantly enough to support myself. Oh and I forgot to mention, I cant take my art, use my computer, buy canvases and supplies, or have a place to paint, then store my work. I cant take anything with me except my dog whom Id rather die than to give her up.
Im losing my mind. Alot of people would just off themselves, prostitute and/or do drugs. Im going to survive and take what comes, and keep trying till its over. I have to because to do anything else is not me. Signing off for now. I have to go sulk awhile.

Enemies

Da Vinci question continued: How am I perceived by my worst enemy. I am not aware of any worst enemy. It doesnt mean that I am not percieved as that by someone. I know I have not done anything so terrible in my life to have acquired one. But that also doesnt mean there are one or more persons who are quite sure I did. I can think of one person right now that Ive been told, feels that way. That person has never said that to my face, so I really dont know. Its a failure on that persons part to honestly examine what happened and then trying to understand my position, and do some forgiving. I dont think in terms of having an enemy. An enemy comes out of a misunderstanding and an unwillingness to do anything about it. And it then grows into a big monster and involves many more people, sometimes whole nations. I know I have had many people be jealous of me. Maybe in their mind it makes them my enemy. More than anything it hurts me, because if they really knew me, I dont know how they could be jealous. I have as many faults as anyone, probably more. So again it comes from not wanting to examine the problem/issue. I know in my heart, I do not want to hurt anybody.
Maybe I should clarify what I just said. Its not true I dont wish ill on anyone. I do. Murderers, child molesters, animal abusers. To them I wish an eye for an eye. They did it to themselves.

About Babies

It seems like one veil after another is being lifted these days. Things that have baffled me all my life are suddenly becoming clearer than clear. Ive have now decided I want to have a baby. WHAT!!!!!! I stayed clear of that all my life. Im ready now. Science allows women to get pregnant after menopause. It still can happen. Ive decided that if the opportunity ever presents itself, Im doing it.
That said, Ill tell you what has straightened out in my head. Baby thoughts got me thinking about why I couldnt make it work the first time. I had a son. I had a baby. But he didnt feel like mine. Shocking! Why was that? Ive thought this over all my adult life. Bang! It became so clear today. I was terrified. It was a trauma being reenacted all over again. When I was 6, my mother had a baby boy, David. She was never home, so the childcare fell on me. It was a nightmare. Things happened that scared me to death. It was just me before David, and then it was just us two. I was alone during measles, and scarey things on TV, and scarey noises, breaking a full mayonaise jar on the floor with mayo and glass everywhere, and my newborn brother falling out of bed on his head. I was sure he would die. There was nothing I could do. And if there was anything wrong when mother did come home, I would be severely punished. One night I thought I was having a heart attack, when my mother and step dad didnt come home when they said they would. I busted out of that trailer, carrying a chair, and ran terrified about a half mile to where I could see cars pull in from the road into the trailer court driveway. I watched every headlight as they filed in, never being the one I was praying for. It must have been hours before they returned late into the night. When they passed me by in the car, they just kept right on going. Mother apparently thought I should carry back that chair, since I was so naughty to be out there at that time of night with it. What happened after that, that night I dont remember, but you can be sure the punishment fit the crime.
Fast forward to when I got pregnant at 15. I married the inseminator and had my son at 16. He moved me way out of town in Birnamwood, WI. I didnt know how to drive, but that didnt matter, I didnt have a car. I talked him into getting this new fangled thing they called a telephone and that became my only lifeline. I went into labor for hours before I got to the hospital. I came home to a 100+ year old house, that never had any remodeling since it was built. All the while I was pregnant and after the baby there was just an outhouse (were talking WI winters here). There was no hot water. All we had for heat was a monstrous space heater that scared me to death. It would always go out and I would not go near it. David worked nights, so I was all alone at night with a newborn. Do you see where Im going with this? There wasnt any food, or health care. David kept spending all the money on toys; snowmobiles, cars, motorcycles, etc. I had to hand wash cloth diapers and if there had to be a bath, I had to move a giant metal tub in from outdoors, and boil the water to make it warm, which took forever. David always stunk, so I refused him sex. He began an affair and then he rarely came home at all, except to brutally rape me in front of our son. He started drinking and everything went from bad to worse and I feared for my life. I ran out of that house one day barefoot, and never came back.
Back to present. I was traumatised all over again by almost the very same scenario. I spent every night terrified. Danny once chewed on an extension cord and got shocked. I thought he was going to die. I was so depressed that I started to take it out on the baby by yelling at him. It had to stop. Obviously I wasnt a fit mother, and I was not going to do to my son, like what was done to me. I let my mother in law take care of him during the separation and divorce. I went into a mental hospital and never recovered from what I had been through. Eventually I wanted my son back, but she wouldnt give him to me. She got custody. There was no support for me. I didnt have parents, no education, no money, no nothing. The state paid for a hotel room for me. Writing this down right now, I just want to scream. All I ever wanted was to be a wife and mother. I wanted a life as an adult that I never had as a child. I figured that was my shot and I screwed it up. Ive been running ever since.
Knowing why I abandoned my son doesnt make it any easier or heal anything. Its still as raw as it ever was. Except now I finally grew up and Im ready for a baby. How sad and pathetic is that?

Da Vinci question: How am I perceived by my closest friend, my worst enemy, my boss, my children, my co-workers, etc. This might have to be a multi parted answer. We'll see. My closest friend, of which I only have one, thinks Im great. He loves me warts and all. Theres lots of warts, mostley where the public eye cant see them. This is because Im a good actress and very good at compartmentalising. Therapists will tell you this compartment thingey, isnt a good thing. It develops in childhood in defense of stress and abuse, as a survival tactic. If abuse is so severe, multiple personalities develop. Shades of Cybil? If Im anything at all, Im damn interesting. I always thought my life would be fodder for a good book or movie. Maybe not a blockbuster, but a revealing look into how the psyche deals with trauma.
Anyway, my long windedness digresses. He likes me because I guess he gets to have affairs with various women. I change from day to day, hour to hour. It would drive some people crazy. He's a Scorpio. He can handle it, or should I say, tolerate it. No one else has given me that most precious gift to me, of freedom. Everyone had a model of what they thought I should be. It always was a choice of conform, or get out. Eventually I always chose the latter. I was allowed to develop at 35 years of age, when I met Marc. I grew up and matured because I got to do it my way. It took awhile to trust, but it developed. Advice to those who say no one trusts them: be trust worthy! It has to be earned.
As far as the warts go, I can be evil, a bitch, a crybaby, uncaring, erupt like Mount St Helens, and do a very good impression of a witch (and I dont mean that in a good way). I dont like these various incarnations and is very often the source of self loathing. Because I KNOW better. I can defend myself quite well, and have sent big burly men scuttling away with their tail....well, you know. I think its the crazy factor. No one knows where to go with crazy. Its shocking, thus the scuttling. I cant be figured out. I broke Gods mold when I was made, because I found it too damn confining, and I got an anxiety attack. lol
So if anyone could love an individual like this. youre a better man than I am. Oh sure, I have lots of good things going for me, but theyre easy to love.
To be continued.....