I See Things Different

I see things different and I feel it from the bottom of my soul. It is so different from what most other human beings believe. Ive always been that way and have always swam upstream. I tried to fit in and see the logic in the worlds thinking, but just cannot justify it with my brain. Doesnt make sense, doesnt compute. Leaves me feeling tainted and a liar for going along with popular thought. Most people reading this would not agree with what I have to say for obvious reasons. Im going to say what I believe.
Rent should be illegal. Everyone should own there little piece of the world. No one has the right to prey upon those less fortunate to pad there own bank account or to pay there mortgage for them. It takes ownership and any hope of ownership away from those who are struggling to own there little piece of the world, which is everyones right no matter what. We are all citizens of planet earth and should partake of it equally. Those who wish not to work as hard would have less land than those who "toil" very hard. And by work I mean WORK, great physical expenditure. This doesnt mean paying someone else to do it for you because you have more than them. It doesnt mean investing, borrowing, stealing, conning those with less cunning and drive to have more. No more preying upon those who have less, just to take even more from them, by those who have more or alot more, to acquire even more. No more growing profits each quarter because where does that end? It ends by sucking the last buck out of the have nots. Thats the only way you increase profits every year. And no more symbolic giving to "charities". There wouldnt be a need for charities. It is not enough to give a little to some anonymous cause by those that have so much in comparison to what they give.
Back to rent, are you seeing my logic? For travelers there needs to be rent, for a room, for a night or beyond, until they have achieved what they have traveled for.
So how strange and wrong am I? Lets hear it. I want to hear how that would never work, and how thats communism, and how crazy I am. Where does this come from? It comes from caring about those that are not considered mine, in my circle or family, or from someone that will give me something in return for any good I do. I see, I care, I feel, I love, and I have a conscience. It talks loud to me, it is deafening and I cant not listen.

Gypsy Without A Clan

A gypsy without a clan is a lost person without a plan. Yes, thats me. If one doesnt have a supportive family, they have nothing. It is the sole determinator of wealth. A wild cannon, a balloon without a tether, a hole without a mole. Empty and unfullfilled, unloved and purposeless.
I have memories of a past life as a gypsy. The familial ties were strong and never to be broken. Only death would take away the body but still the spirit would remain. Even in death. My soul remembers this and I cant believe theres no one looking for me, desperately wanting to bring me home again. This whole life I had no family. Long ago what was family was familys, equally shared. It was made for all, shared by all, and inherited in death. A continuity of a line that began in the beginning and continues for all time.
Thats why to break this is a fate worse than death. Thats what I did. I ran away. It was over a disagreement of beliefs. Somewhere in there, there was a strong male beckoning me to leave. My new heart overtook my eternal heart and I was lost. They searched and searched. I ran and hid. It ended badly, tragically. There is still a hole in my heart and Im wondering where my family is. Why did they stop looking for me, why did they stop loving me.
A soul can own the whole world, but without your clan you are empty and without purpose, unable to ever be truly happy. I had it and I threw it away. Now karma is giving me a giant whack over the head. This life has been a life of constant movement, like a gypsy, but no family. I moved alone, afraid and unsure. No one to always be there no matter what. No one to raise me from childhood and there will be no one to hold my hand when its time to pass over. I have to wonder who will be on the other side to collect me. I can only think of one person and I havent seen hide nor hair of her since she crossed over, so she might not be there for me. Came in alone, will leave alone.
You cant make family love you. That love bond is either there unquestioned or forever missing. No one came looking for me. They did not wonder what happened to me. They have no idea the hell Ive been through, did not try to save me from that. They did not care whether I was dead or alive. They didnt think I had anything valuable to give and they shared nothing with me. These are hard words and I will accept the fallout. You cant lose something you never had to begin with.

My Letter To David Horowitz Published On Fightback.com

The Reality of The Housing Crisis: Real People, Real Victims

October 15, 2010

I received the following letter from a woman with no other options in regards to managing and/or selling her properties. I find it worthwhile to show my Fight Back! Readers the sad realities of what happens when things do not go as we wish they would:

Thank you for your offer of help. Unfortunately it may be too late. Its now being offered as a short sale. We got a really bad deal when we bought. First there was a bait and switch, then we were talked into more than we wanted to spend, then they gave us an interest only loan with no need to verify income. We would not have qualified otherwise. Then in 5 years it would go to a variable rate. We felt Ok about this because we owned some property, and were receiving rental income. We’re co-owner in a multi million dollar warehouse and it was for sale. The market immediately went bad, lost the tenents, lost the buyers. We then couldnt pay mortgage as Michael lost his job and Im disabled. Now the bank is trying to attach the warehouse in the future when it sells. So we will not only lose our house, but also the warehouse sale money and have no house to show for it. Our house is worth half of what we paid for it, what we wanted to pay in the beginning. The people buying it will get it for half. We put at least $100,000 into it and have no equity. They pretended they were going to work with us on the Obama plan and then changed their minds after frustrating delays that you would not believe. Ive been to the point of feeling suicidal. Im 57 and it was my very first house in my whole life. Its all I ever wanted all my life and now it looks like our financial future is ruined with no chance of ever buying another home. There is actually even more to this story, but I wont bore you. Ive been praying for an angel to help. Ive even thought I would like to try to sue but others say just let it go. Im so upset, I cant let it go. If theres anything you think you could help us with at this late date please let me know. I believe in miracles.

Thank you,

“Ellen”

David Horowitz printed my letter to him because it represents the nightmare so many Americans are going through right now with no recourse. You can read it on Fightback.com and leave a comment if you wish.

Dont Poke The Tiger

The tiger being me. Because if it happens to be one of my nuclear buttons, I might say or do anything. Im not proud of that. And yes I think its wrong. Im working on it. Im a Sag., aries, aries, sag., sag., year of the snake, full blooded German spitfire who has a giant ax to grind.
Poor little Zahra who was being brutalized by her stepmother, survived bone cancer, lost a leg and her hearing. If I was her neighbor or teacher, she might still be alive. I just cant stand by and watch something so wrong continue. I cant keep my mouth shut either, or maybe I dont want to. We cant always be all sweetness and light. Anger has a place and serves a purpose in this world.

Family

What is the saying, "feeling like the red-headed step child"? Or, "the black sheep of the family". Or, "like a leper". Or, "shes just like her father". Or, "shes never going to amount to anything". Or, "do we have to invite her"? wah wah! Or, "shes just lazy, is just like her father, and she'll never change". This is what family is to me. This is what they think of me. And "they" will never change!
I am the daughter of a mother who couldnt/wouldnt love, and who died in 1963. I am also the daughter of a father who is mentally ill with the worst case of compulsive disorder (hoarding) Ive ever known, along with severe paranoia. He doesnt know how to love, he doesnt know what love is, and he never has. To my family, I am them, and they are me. Ive never been an individual who deserved attention or love just for my own sake. I have never been seen as a separate entity deserving of a chance to make my own way. I have never been welcomed to any family gathering because they love me. It was because it was the right thing to do and Christian. And then after awhile it was the thing no one wanted to do.
"Poor little Jane" still rings in my head. No wonder I wanted to change my name. I wanted a new identity, a fresh start. I wanted to reinvent myself from the stinky mess that was once me. And now I wish I could go back to something that really was never there in the first place. The only reason I knew it existed in my world is because everybody else had what I wanted. I observed it in other families, I saw it in my own family, but it was NEVER for me. I guess that makes me selfish, hah? Self asorbed, childish, needy, a winer. According to them, I am. I know however I am not any of those things and am tired to death of being thought of in that way. If you (family) cant think of me and see me for what I truly am, then dont think of me at all. Its what you have not been doing anyway, so it should be no problem.

See The Baby

Ive been thinking alot about this lately. Why are abused children so hated and misunderstood? I know youre going, "what"? "No body does that", right? Every time people judge others, take time to think about where they may have came from. That person was once an innocent child left in the hands of adults who were supposed to love and guide them correctly in life. Not everyone is so lucky. For some, its an accomplishment that they simply survived. Others were led to suicide and still others to abuse of others and even murder. They should know better, right? To someone who cant understand their upbringing this reasoning makes sense. It makes sense to me too, even though I was one of those kids. But many of the abused ones chose another path as I did. They learned something from it and was able to deal with the overwhelming anger and bitterness from their childhood. To those I say, Bless You, for you have truly learned what you came here for.
I would also say to those who were not strong enough or far too damaged to correct their life, I understand. I understand the relentless anger. I understand the bitterness that gnaws away at your soul. I understand the sick joy that is felt when perpetrating upon another, that which you went through when you were too young to process, in order to somehow try to reconcile what happened to you. You were surviving the best way you knew how. How can we judge that person because inside they are still that hurt child, never able to grow up, never able to let go of the pain. Society makes it worse for seeing a devil and not wondering where the child went to. We should try to learn everyones story, even the worst of the worst. Ours is not to condone but to look, see, and understand. Yes, criminals must be put away and punished but we can still understand why it happened. Whats the purpose of this? To prevent it from happening over and over again. We can stop it now. Dont stand around and look the other way when children and women are being abused. If you think it doesnt affect you, you are wrong. It affects society as a whole. You and your children and their children live in this society, and sooner or later will cross the path of a damaged child/adult and may God help you.
I have to add this caveat. I believe there is also evil and I believe it does incarnate in certain individuals. You can tell by what was offered that child and what it did with those gifts. Some people come from wonderful homes with loving parents and still choose to go bad. I cant justify what they do because that doesnt even make sense to me. I dont know why. And dont discount the mentally ill, who through no fault of their own entered into a body that just didnt work right. There are so many degrees of cause that it boggles the mind.
My point is, dont be so quick to think you know it all. There are many extenuating circumstances to everyones life and you are doing them a disservice by not getting to thier story. The moccasin analogy applies here.

Invisable (in-viz'-i-bl)

According to the New Century Dictionary, invisible means; Not visible; not perceptible by the eye or mind (as, Ellary not seen, therefore not included in business matters of import or family functions); not perceptible or discernible by the mind (as when no thought to how Ellary would feel about being forgotten or not thought of in any matter); withdrawn from or out of sight ( as in out of sight, out of mind); also blends into the backround as a chameleon so as not to be detected ( Ellary is so empty, loveless, talentless, or has nothing to give or share to others that they go about their lives as if she isnt important to them, is not a family member, or as if they never even knew her); an invisible thing or being (blends into the environment as to appear like the furniture, walls, or floor.
I swear to God, this was in the dictionary when I was trying to look up a word for how I feel right now, some of the words are mine.

OMG, Dont Have Internet

Yesterday I was forced to look at myself and the fact that I have an addiction. I went without my precious internet and Facebook yesterday, not by choice, but by meaness from the great computer god. I sat and wailed "why me computer god"? What have I done to offend you? How can I appease you, an offering, a sacrifice? Are you mad that I never clean the vehicle of your expression? Did I swear too much (cant help that)? Was I rude to eat in front of you and not offer you any. I really didnt think you would want what I eat.
Who have you been talking to and what are they saying behind my back? None of its true! Is that why you are so quiet? You and your cohorts are plotting against me? Thats it, isnt it? Well I aint going down without a fight!
My hand, operating on its own with orders from God knows who, was ordered to slap some sense into me. Wait a minute, could I, would I, be addicted, and Im going through td's? Just one day without my computer and I was going crazy! I didnt know what to do with myself. I was getting upset that I might be missing something that would be life-changing. No matter what I did, in the back of my mind I hear in a mechanical voice, COMPUTER COMPUTER. I was forced to take a good look at myself and see that I put way too much time into this machine. That is all that it is, a thing. I started accomplishing the things I had written on my to-do list, marking them off, one by one. Its good to be clean. I can think clearly. I see my world and my place in it.
Yesterday was one of the most fun, busy, fulfilling days that I have had in a while. And I really learned something. But thank God its working today!!!!!!!