Im thinking maybe Im not a true artist. Making art just for the sake of making it leaves me empty and depressed. I do not get any enjoyment out of making pretty pictures. I get even less enjoyment out of putting my feelings down on paper visually, because it ends up either being perverse or kindergarten silly, both of which I detest looking at, much less taking credit for.
What is important to me and feeds my soul, is interaction between people involving my art. Its important that my art supports me versus I support my art, in every way, emotionally and financially. Otherwise why do it. That goes against everything Ive been told growing up about what a true artist is. Weve all heard about starving artists, artists who have value only after their death, and artists who art no matter what their circumstances because their soul dictates they must or die. That does not describe me. So am I only pretending to be an artist? Im a great executioner of art but I have to get something back for it. Do I have the true soul of an artist?
All my life I have felt like a failure. I never achieved much other than I survived. I found out much later that I had a mental illness described by at least three alphabet labels. I struggled to take care of myself financially and barely made it. Menopause hit and I couldnt do it anymore. I was dead tired. I had to go on disability and finally had the time to start doing what I really wanted to do versus what I had to do to survive. My love of art was given expression. My desire was to get off disability and finally support myself through something I loved. I wasnt very good at first, but I didnt give up because I had a noble goal that I knew I could achieve. My art is now great and able to support me. But it doesnt. My house is filling up with pretty pictures, frames, and all the stuff of an artist. I would be better served with a studio, but I cant afford it. Opportunities to show my art are limited, so I drown in my art.
It comes down to me needing to feel good about myself by paying my way in life like normal people do. I want to feel good about myself for finally taking care of myself doing what is uniquely me but I must receive something back in return.
