Hypocrite

As I sit here eating my chicken, I contemplate my hypocrisy. Im against killing or abusing any animal for any reason. Hmm, whats wrong with this picture? I hate it that I believe I have to eat flesh. I despise myself for it. Ive tried many times to be a strict vegetarian and failed every time. You see, I get sick. My mental illness wallops me over the head, and the only fix is to eat pure non carbohydrate protein. Works right away, so I know thats what the problem is. No, its not just in my head. How could it be when theres nothing I want more than to stop eating meat. I literally cry when I think of animals getting killed for food. I feel like a reluctant vampire who has nothing but love in its heart, and yet must feed on human blood to survive. The self disgust I feel is at times overwelming. And yet if it came down to killing an animal myself versus dying, I would choose death. I will not kill anything for any reason other than defense of self or others. This is a real spiritual dilemma for me, because I believe it is a matter of spirituality and evolvement. Even though I truly believe this, I cant fault anyone else for eating meat either. This is a true conundrum for me and I really do not know how to deal with my hypocritical self. Yes, it does add to my depression. I feel really bad about it. The thing is we are all animals. And we are also spiritual beings having an animal experience. Its got me confused. How about you?