Unsafe

I was watching a commercial this morning that got me thinking as to why it makes me so uncomfortable. Its about young couples in the act of romantic marriage proposals. Trying to put myself in the womans place, I found it hard to really believe and trust those feelings of being taken care of, of feeling safe. Ive never had anything that resembled that in my life, either through my parents or in my own life. There was nothing I wanted more growing up then the that fairytale life with a man who cherished me, was responsible, who held a job, who wanted a family with the house and everything else that went along with that scenario. A man who had a reason to get up and go to work, me. I wanted to be that reason to my dad, and later to my husband. I wanted to be someones reason for doing their best in life, because they cared about my welfare, my safety, my sense of innate security, that every child, every adult has a right to feel. I thought the sky was always falling because it always did.
This ties into art because I wouldve probably started an art career early in life. I probably wouldve gone to college for art. Do you know why I didnt? Because I was too busy surviving and that life would have made me feel unsafe. I didnt have it in me to work full time at a job and get an education. I would have had to do it all on my own. It just didnt seem as important to me then, as I was busy surviving. I tried to be practical in my choices of earning a living, and art didnt fit, depression the bill. I would learn to make nice pictures and then what? Its the same problem I have now. I make nice pictures, now what? Sure, my artist has finally been fed, but I still feel hungry, insecure, and unsafe. The depression some days is more than I can bare. But I have art, right? Yes, and thats all I have. Right now, my life depends upon it literally. Its all on me. There is no strong shoulder to lean on, or a warm home to come home to. All I have is art. And you know what? That would be enough for me, if it werent for the stiffling, paralysing feeling of insecurity. My mind continues to tell me Im unsafe. Its all my mind has ever known.