Saint Francis of Assisi

I know I wanted this blog to be about the trials and tribulations in the daily life of an artist dealing with bi polar disorder and a rotten upbringing. Im finding it hard most days to stay within the desired guidelines. Just as I strive to grow and learn everyday, so does my blog evolve, and in that respect I am accomplishing what I set out to do. Theres not much talk about being an artist or discussion on BPD. There is, however, flexibility here in expressing the unfoldment of me, wherever that goes. Wayne Dyer has been a Godsend to me. Reading his book has really reached a place inside that I thought I would never reach. Anger is leaving, being replaced with love. I am learning to replace all unproductive emotions and thoughts with love. I ask myself constantly, "What do I love"? Negative thoughts find it impossible to dwell in a mind contemplating on what it loves. Below is one of the most profound bit of writing of all time, and I never truly conceived of what it really meant, untill now.

Lord make me an instrument of thy peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is doubt, faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
Where there is sadness, joy.

O divine master, grant that I may not so much seek
To be consoled as to console,
To be understood as to understand,
To be loved as to love;
For it is in giving that we receive;
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
It is in dying to self that we are born to eternal life.

Saint Francis of Assisi

How To Serve Mankind

First of all, lol! Next da Vinci question: How can I best be of service to others? I like this one. I will say that we are all here on earth to serve others. Doesnt matter who you are or what you do. Some of us get paid better than others for being servants, but that gets into a whole other wackadoo I dont want to talk about right now. If you think that you couldnt possibly serve in your given circumstances, youre wrong. An example: A terminally ill child is in the position to give the greatest gift of all. First of all, theres no making any sense of it by the child or any other observer. The child can accept the condition in grace (which they usually do), and everyone learns, they soften, they care, they think about the real meaning of life and perhaps decide not to waste it. This would apply to the mentally ill, the boy raised by wolves, the spoiled brat who doesnt have a clue because theyve never been taught. Of course any one of these individuals can decide to be a troublemaker. That has a whole other set of lessons for the rest of us. You really cant get out of being a teacher. You were born a teacher either in the form of the observer, or in the form of the mirror. And by the way, we do role reversals quite often, so everyone gets to play.
So how can I personalize this? Im following my heart, and that is the heart of an artist. Im doing what Im best at and in doing so, I inspire, excite, and make this world just a little more beautiful. But my ultimate goal has nothing to do with art, and thats to be the best possible role model I can, to give an ear where needed, offer a shoulder to cry on, lend a hand whenever possible, and at all times speak the truth to the best of my knowledge. How to serve mankind? LOVE.

Get Paid?

Next da Vinci question: How can I get paid for what I love? Hmmm, good question. When you are an artist, its not good enough to create, and they will come, much less buy. This is the biggest bugger question that I have been dealing with right now. Lets just get the economy card out of the way first thing. Im not falling for that excuse. There are plenty of people who have plenty of money, and a good quantity of them buy art. Its all about getting into the right venue, and the right market. It is who you know and whether or not you have the cahonies to go for it in spite of what your checking account says. By that I mean in art, as in most businesses, it takes money to make money. Being an artist is expensive when you are promoting yourself properly. There are various dues and fees, art materials you must buy, advertising (yes, I said advertising), shipping costs, travel expenses, etc.... Oh yeah, if you are to do it properly, that is whats involved. And at the same time you must keep a roof over your head, food in your stomach, keep transportation (big enough to cart things around), and all the other necessities of life. And they are bare bone necessities. No dinners out, movies, lattes, new clothes, or any other fun things in life. It should be good enough for the artist to art. If you are not happy with that scenario, then forget about being successful as an artist. Admittedly, there are flukes of nature, like the paint thrower who is "discovered", or the artist that just happens to be in the right place, at the right time, meeting the right people, or then theres the person who is set financially already. That person will have to be particularly hungry to be an artist, because the biggest motivator is gone, making money to survive.
So to get back to the question, what do I have to do to get paid for what I love? All of the above and more things I was too lazy to mention, because there is more. I havent even touched on the emotional aspect of it all. And as you know by now, Im bi poler with depression and anxiety, so its double hard for me to fight the good fight. In my wildest dreams, I would say I want a patron, who believes in me and supports me in my baby steps to success, or a mentor who opens all needed doors for me. Wouldnt that be wonderful!
Oh, and I forgot, it doesnt matter much as to whether you are a good artist. Great artists are a dime a dozen. And there are plenty of artists who became successful by just throwing paint at a canvas, or leaving it blank. And yeah, that truly chaffes my ass (my mothers favorite expression). But life is indeed seemingly unfair. You can control it to a large degree, but its still a crap shoot. Life is what we make it.

Life Is What I Make It

Yesterday held a possible promise of a chance for me and my career. But after sitting through long hours of hearing other peoples dreams, there was no space or time for mine. Another days wasted energy spent. I know Im not invisible, or else people wouldnt talk to me at all. They see me, but they dont see ME!. I simmer over with ideas and creativity. Im a great artist. I dont mean great as in an artist of note, but a darn good painter and drawer. Gosh darn, thats me, and I claim it. Theres nothing wrong with my confidence. Then what is wrong with me? Is it because Im not young and beautiful anymore. That held its own problems, because people still didnt see ME. I got their attention because I was nice to look at, and that is all. They never wanted to examine my brain. I am a woman of substance, and surface gratuity just doesnt do it for me. I refuse to be placated by being thrown a bone every now and then. I want this "show" to be about Me, for once in my life. Starts with ME and ends with ME.
I came home to a dismal existence and was very depressed. Later I had a panic attack because I couldnt stop obsessing about it. I feel like I have made a mental separation from my past, these last few days. Im ready and willing to let go of what I thought I wanted. I know now what I really want and it is crystal clear in my mind. Its almost like Im living it already. The problem is, is that my outside world does not resemble my inside world. What kind of magic wand will it take to make it appear before my eyes, because I know its there. I have been cultivating the life I want first, through the medium of Facebook. Im ready to take it to the next step. I will not be dismissed and ignored. Im not that sad little girl anymore.