Cold As A Cucumber

Im sitting outside on my deck on this beautiful morning. Im gazing at everything that once filled me with happiness and pride. I feel nothing anymore. Just emptiness and wondering. Where did I go? Im a mannequin acting as if I am a live person. It is a good acting job, except theres not a damn thing going on inside. How many times have I had to do this to myself? To kill myself. I learned it when I was a baby so its more than I can even recall. All I know is that this dead feeling is all too familiar. To go from living and feeling to this dead hole is my expert accomplishment in life. And if all its done is keep me alive, I have to wonder was it worth learning. Where am I? Back where I started. I toured the world a little, got to know what it could be for me, and then its back home to Holesville, the place you always want to leave, but never can. I sit outside in the beauty I have created and feel nothing. It would kill me to do so. It all will be gone soon. This is how I take care of myself. I pull away, put out of my mind, stuff anything down and cover it up with anger and bitterness. Anger and bitternes makes a great lid to top off feelings that are never to see the light of day again. And dont be fooled by that damn carrot thats always being pimped in front of your face. The price for that carrot is too high for you to pay. The price is loving, happiness, and giving to others, which then will be promptly pulled out beneath you, leaving you stunned and feeling like a fool for paying the pimp AGAIN! It is making a deal with the devil and that never ends well. You can tell me it will get better and I ask you when? Im 56 and it has never gotten better. Just went from shades of grey to black again. Is that improvement? I really think Im cursed.