Lily got a bath today and I was sitting out on the deck in the sun with her while she dried. When I sit out there and look around, nothing is familiar to me anymore. It is all strange just as my new life will be strange. I have so totally disengaged myself from what meant anything and everything to me. I might as well be on another planet. Have I anesthetized myself to avoid the relentless pain that has overtaken my life. Is this shock? It must be because Im calm and not feeling much of anything. I look out into the world everyday with pleading longing eyes, just hoping to catch a glimpse of what is to be for me. Please let it be kind. I feel like a murderer who has been tried and is waiting sentencing. Crying about it wouldnt do any good because you are locked away in your cell for what seems like forever and maybe your sentence will be light, or maybe your sentence will be death. Its totally up to those jurers who sat in judgement of you, not knowing who you were or where you came from. Sitting there in their high chairs looking down upon a pitiful mess that is you. This wouldnt even be so terrible if I were guilty but....oh, by the way, did I mention I was innocent. And I have no idea why this has come down on my head. I look at other peoples faces and there is no connect. Their world is as safe as its going to be and they dont want to go there with me and my pain. They havent got a clue as to what is really going on. Ive been telling them, but they dont hear. I tend to believe that they think Im a consumate actress bent on hysterics and drama. If anyone should be used to this scenario it would be me, because I know it so well. But Im tired and I would like a vacation, maybe even retire from constant injury to my soul. Im asking; God help me! Right now I would settle for a small apartment I can afford. That would seem like manna from heaven.
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