Enemies

Da Vinci question continued: How am I perceived by my worst enemy. I am not aware of any worst enemy. It doesnt mean that I am not percieved as that by someone. I know I have not done anything so terrible in my life to have acquired one. But that also doesnt mean there are one or more persons who are quite sure I did. I can think of one person right now that Ive been told, feels that way. That person has never said that to my face, so I really dont know. Its a failure on that persons part to honestly examine what happened and then trying to understand my position, and do some forgiving. I dont think in terms of having an enemy. An enemy comes out of a misunderstanding and an unwillingness to do anything about it. And it then grows into a big monster and involves many more people, sometimes whole nations. I know I have had many people be jealous of me. Maybe in their mind it makes them my enemy. More than anything it hurts me, because if they really knew me, I dont know how they could be jealous. I have as many faults as anyone, probably more. So again it comes from not wanting to examine the problem/issue. I know in my heart, I do not want to hurt anybody.
Maybe I should clarify what I just said. Its not true I dont wish ill on anyone. I do. Murderers, child molesters, animal abusers. To them I wish an eye for an eye. They did it to themselves.

Da Vinci question: How am I perceived by my closest friend, my worst enemy, my boss, my children, my co-workers, etc. This might have to be a multi parted answer. We'll see. My closest friend, of which I only have one, thinks Im great. He loves me warts and all. Theres lots of warts, mostley where the public eye cant see them. This is because Im a good actress and very good at compartmentalising. Therapists will tell you this compartment thingey, isnt a good thing. It develops in childhood in defense of stress and abuse, as a survival tactic. If abuse is so severe, multiple personalities develop. Shades of Cybil? If Im anything at all, Im damn interesting. I always thought my life would be fodder for a good book or movie. Maybe not a blockbuster, but a revealing look into how the psyche deals with trauma.
Anyway, my long windedness digresses. He likes me because I guess he gets to have affairs with various women. I change from day to day, hour to hour. It would drive some people crazy. He's a Scorpio. He can handle it, or should I say, tolerate it. No one else has given me that most precious gift to me, of freedom. Everyone had a model of what they thought I should be. It always was a choice of conform, or get out. Eventually I always chose the latter. I was allowed to develop at 35 years of age, when I met Marc. I grew up and matured because I got to do it my way. It took awhile to trust, but it developed. Advice to those who say no one trusts them: be trust worthy! It has to be earned.
As far as the warts go, I can be evil, a bitch, a crybaby, uncaring, erupt like Mount St Helens, and do a very good impression of a witch (and I dont mean that in a good way). I dont like these various incarnations and is very often the source of self loathing. Because I KNOW better. I can defend myself quite well, and have sent big burly men scuttling away with their tail....well, you know. I think its the crazy factor. No one knows where to go with crazy. Its shocking, thus the scuttling. I cant be figured out. I broke Gods mold when I was made, because I found it too damn confining, and I got an anxiety attack. lol
So if anyone could love an individual like this. youre a better man than I am. Oh sure, I have lots of good things going for me, but theyre easy to love.
To be continued.....

Deepest Desire

Da Vinci question: What is my hearts deepest desire? I could just answer this with one word. HEAVEN. Heaven for all. Deep down, isnt that the only thing we all want?

How To Serve Mankind

First of all, lol! Next da Vinci question: How can I best be of service to others? I like this one. I will say that we are all here on earth to serve others. Doesnt matter who you are or what you do. Some of us get paid better than others for being servants, but that gets into a whole other wackadoo I dont want to talk about right now. If you think that you couldnt possibly serve in your given circumstances, youre wrong. An example: A terminally ill child is in the position to give the greatest gift of all. First of all, theres no making any sense of it by the child or any other observer. The child can accept the condition in grace (which they usually do), and everyone learns, they soften, they care, they think about the real meaning of life and perhaps decide not to waste it. This would apply to the mentally ill, the boy raised by wolves, the spoiled brat who doesnt have a clue because theyve never been taught. Of course any one of these individuals can decide to be a troublemaker. That has a whole other set of lessons for the rest of us. You really cant get out of being a teacher. You were born a teacher either in the form of the observer, or in the form of the mirror. And by the way, we do role reversals quite often, so everyone gets to play.
So how can I personalize this? Im following my heart, and that is the heart of an artist. Im doing what Im best at and in doing so, I inspire, excite, and make this world just a little more beautiful. But my ultimate goal has nothing to do with art, and thats to be the best possible role model I can, to give an ear where needed, offer a shoulder to cry on, lend a hand whenever possible, and at all times speak the truth to the best of my knowledge. How to serve mankind? LOVE.

Role Models

da Vinci question: What are my most inspiring role models? At the moment, I cant think of anyone specific, although I know I have them. To generalize, it would be anyone who has a strong personal moral code, and is not afraid to stand up for it, even when its unpopular. Also anyone who has overcome insurmountable odds, on their own, and has reached out to others to help them. And people who have been blessed with everything in life, and yet realize that most of the world is not so fortunate, and has a conscious about that, and shares with others. Here I could name countless mega rich people who give of their fortunes, but I cannot think of anyone, in my knowledge, who gives enough in proportion to there wealth. Anyone who has to have countless mansions, an endless number of luxury cars, takes a private jet to Venice for dinner, spends thousands of dollars for one dress, is in my opinion, not giving enough. I personally could not live with myself or be happy, until I had lifted as many people up as possible. To think a child is starving to DEATH in Africa, would bother me. To be aware of the fact that our source of oxygen is being depleated every day at an alarming rate would, and does drive me crazy. And also, to know of countless animal abuse issues going unaddressed, because no one seems to care. If anyone in the world fits into this role, than they are my hero.

Get Paid?

Next da Vinci question: How can I get paid for what I love? Hmmm, good question. When you are an artist, its not good enough to create, and they will come, much less buy. This is the biggest bugger question that I have been dealing with right now. Lets just get the economy card out of the way first thing. Im not falling for that excuse. There are plenty of people who have plenty of money, and a good quantity of them buy art. Its all about getting into the right venue, and the right market. It is who you know and whether or not you have the cahonies to go for it in spite of what your checking account says. By that I mean in art, as in most businesses, it takes money to make money. Being an artist is expensive when you are promoting yourself properly. There are various dues and fees, art materials you must buy, advertising (yes, I said advertising), shipping costs, travel expenses, etc.... Oh yeah, if you are to do it properly, that is whats involved. And at the same time you must keep a roof over your head, food in your stomach, keep transportation (big enough to cart things around), and all the other necessities of life. And they are bare bone necessities. No dinners out, movies, lattes, new clothes, or any other fun things in life. It should be good enough for the artist to art. If you are not happy with that scenario, then forget about being successful as an artist. Admittedly, there are flukes of nature, like the paint thrower who is "discovered", or the artist that just happens to be in the right place, at the right time, meeting the right people, or then theres the person who is set financially already. That person will have to be particularly hungry to be an artist, because the biggest motivator is gone, making money to survive.
So to get back to the question, what do I have to do to get paid for what I love? All of the above and more things I was too lazy to mention, because there is more. I havent even touched on the emotional aspect of it all. And as you know by now, Im bi poler with depression and anxiety, so its double hard for me to fight the good fight. In my wildest dreams, I would say I want a patron, who believes in me and supports me in my baby steps to success, or a mentor who opens all needed doors for me. Wouldnt that be wonderful!
Oh, and I forgot, it doesnt matter much as to whether you are a good artist. Great artists are a dime a dozen. And there are plenty of artists who became successful by just throwing paint at a canvas, or leaving it blank. And yeah, that truly chaffes my ass (my mothers favorite expression). But life is indeed seemingly unfair. You can control it to a large degree, but its still a crap shoot. Life is what we make it.

Hitting Leo Up Again.

Time to hit Leo up again for inspiration for what to write about today. The next question is: What is my greatest talent? Well, its not art, although Im good at it. It would be my ability to suck it up and move on, and my ability to see the big picture, so to speak. I can make sense out of anything that happens, whether it be to me, someone else, or the world in general. It may make me appear insensitive at times or cruel. I just can take "me out of anything I experience and go to the place of understanding. Sometimes it takes me awhile to get there, as anyone of you know thats been following me this year. But I always arrive at a place of cosmic acceptance. You can think of it as, "what would God think of this"? Dont get me wrong, Im a lowly worm crawling around on this earth, trying to make sense of it all, just like everything and everybody else. But I have this ability to tap into MIND. Capitalized because it is all that exists. Theres even more beyond that. I cant make all the pieces of the puzzle fit, but Ive been working on it, and the picture is becoming clearer. I always feel wonderful when another piece fits. But sometimes the truth is hardcore for us humans to accept. I think one of the greatest lessons a soul can learn in life, is that life as we know it is impersonal. At the same time, it is all about us as individuals fitting into a working whole. I wasnt going to get this gosh darn into this question so deeply, but I cant help myself. Maybe I should stop now, or else I will go on and on.....

Judging Your Work.

Im reading a book on da Vinci. He went through certain criteria while judging his work. I found out Ive done all but one of the things he suggested, and thats look at your art in a mirror. It will appear as if someone else rendered it. You can see if its unbalanced either in design, or color. You will see something that doesnt make sense if it exists, or is not pleasing to the eye. Its just like we never see ourselves how we really are and how others see us, because were looking in a mirror. da Vinci says that you will also be more critical if the piece does not appear to be your own. Ill have to say that one point isnt true for me, because Im my own worst critic.
Also, if you are getting frustrated, put away your work for a time, and then come back to it. I do this all the time. Alot of times I put it away and thats the last I see of it. Im not suggesting you do that!
Look at your painting from a distance, long and shorter distance. Can you see it? Can you see what it is? The larger the piece, the better you should be able to see it from across a room. Think of it as if its hanging in a gallery, and someone is walking by the store window. If they glance at it, will it catch their eye? If its not abstract, will they know what the subject is? I started doing this by default, because I walk away so frequently, alot of times in disgust. So Im looking at it real far away often.
Live with it. Whether finished, or not, put it up and pretend its your little stalker painting. It should follow you to the bedroom, when youre watching TV, etc.... You will see it differently in different light, in different moods, while drunk(just kidding). You will be surprised at how a problem will become solved because you have put your subconscious to work on it. Ask yourself, "what can I do with this"? In my case, I always get an answer.
If you want to read about one of the most fascinating people in history, the story of da Vinci's life should be on your list. Hope everyone is having a great weekend.